AndyBlog

Quick and Painless Character Assasination

...based on really not very much information - all of which gleaned in the plastic environment of the Big Brother House.

Is this fair?  Certainly not.

Is is legal?  I don't actually know, but I figure this a country where free speech is encouraged.

Is it honest? Of course it is, this is definitely what I think.

Will you get on with it please?  Yes. Yes I will.

Michael Barrymore

This guy certainly seems to have his problems. Gone is the flashy and confident gent from the 80s and 90s, who managed to put people at their ease whilst being witty and never less than entertaining. We see his brilliance in brief glimpses, but there is a feeling that he has disappeared under the surface of celebrity and may never again rise from the murky depths.

In the house, he seems to be fine, then he can totally go “off it” and rant on and on for very little reason. He seems insecure and paranoid. I actually feel a little sad for him, because I always did like him, and I feel that he has copped for a good deal more negativity than he deserves.

Would I have a beer with him?  Yes, of course I would. It would be an honour.

Little Britain, Series Three

Since I first saw the pilot of Little Britain on the opening night of BBC3, I knew I was going to love it. The first series shocked and delighted me all the way through. Catch Phrases and friends were made - a job well done.

Along came series two and the emphasis fell more to the grotesque. Every character seemed to be ugly and horrible in some way. Greedy Bubbles, Selfish Andy, Disgusting Bitty Man and many others. I rarely laughed. The magic had gone.

So what of series three?  Well, after two episodes I already think it is doing pretty well. The first one only raised a smile, but this last one has made me chuckle a fair bit. The Andy character is going somewhere, not just the same joke over and over again. That said, the weaker characters are the ones that just do their disgusting behaviour each time.

I mean - how many times is it funny to see an old lady lose a bladder full onto the floor whilst chatting to an acquaintance? How often, by the same token, should we laugh at a smarter old lady spewing projectile vomit across the room? These are single joke characters. Either develop them into something bigger, or only use them sparingly.

So, they are learning some lessons now, but many of the sketches are governed by the expense of the props. Those two huge fat suits cost a packet, and so they are re-using them a lot. It's a shame that the joke is only funny once.

Lucas and Walliams are very smart people, and full of comedic fun. I enjoy them, I like their grotesque humour. I know it's asking a lot, but the audience needs to be constantly wow'ed in order to keep it all fresh.

If series four is deemed necessary, I hope they really go to town and create something new. In the meantime, the present characters are like well-worn gloves. I enjoy them, but rarely laugh.

4am again...

One of the good things about a certain knowledge that one cannot sleep is the ability to allocate the time well and achieve some stuff. What often works against this laudable aim is the sheer tiredness that accompanies the insomnia.

Not so tonight.

After finishing the radio show and having a quick sandwich (insofar as a single crust can be deemed a sandwich), I got straight to work. First, I updated a couple of web sites, then put some music together for a video, before rounding the evening off with cleaning the fridge. (it was a thick crust - and granary, quite tasty)

The thing about the fridge is that we had some fridge poetry, very rude fridge poetry, that needed to come off the fridge before we could safely show people round the house with a view to selling it. (I had some ham on it, but it was so thick that if I bit the ham off the top taking some bread, there was still some crust left underneath)

Sounds simple, doesn't it?  Just take the pieces off and store them.

I do declare that I would be in great difficulties were I to try and overstate the difficulty of removing the black deposits left by the tiles. They seem to have chemically bonded with the white enamel of the fridge. Fiona had a good go this evening, but was defeated - despite a valiant effort. (I had lemon curd on the remaining underneath bread - very tasty)

I resolved to find a way, and way find I did do.

Enamel, thought I....hmmmm........that's a bit like car paint, isn't it?

T-Cut!

Sorted.

Went through it like butter. Whoosh! - Three hours later, all done.

It's nice to see the fridge restored to showroom spec again, though please don't look too closely. There may be a few very carefully placed fridge magnets...

I find now, having done the deed and told you all about it, that I am ready to sleep.

Yes. I think I am very ready. (and I had a cup of coffee as well, because it doesn't keep me awake)

Andi Peters

...and his amazing nostrils.

I mean, honestly - have you SEEN his nose?  The nostrils are huge huge huge - and when they flare - Wow!

I think I would be scared to be near him, lest even I get hoovered up.

I'm a very accepting person - really I am. I wouldn't normally dream of pointing out shortcomings in people physically, but I am genuinely amazed. Seriously - take a look. Something is going on there. Not sure what.

Maybe he has a courgette nose fetish?

No, I've gone too far this time. I shall have to edit out the next few comments.

Not only that, but he's xx xxxxx x xxxx xxx xxxxx xxx x  xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx like that, at least!!

Yxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx x xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxx x xxxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx.

But that's really not fair.

Massive nostrils, though.

Big Brother 2005

Well, here we go again.

...but it has crept up on me this time. I felt like I had no chance to look forward to it, it was just there - all of a sudden.

So, another bunch of opinionated weirdos, many of whom will soon drop their ridiculous fronts to reveal far more vulnerable real personalities. That, for me, is going to be the real interest.

They are all under so much pressure to be different and unique, in order to earn their place in the house. It has often surprised me how quickly those “acts” turn to vapour, once safely installed. It's almost as if the weirdness of the house environment itself steals the show from them at the outset.

The effect will be short lived, and so, once again, I will find myself snared for a quarter of my year, watching all the action from the house. I hope it manages to repay my commitment. I wish all fourteen of them good luck.

PS I hope you like my classy interpretation of the Big Brother logo.

The Grim Reaper

I have mixed feelings about the current crop of Grolsch TV adverts.

The long running star has urged people not to be hasty for quite some time now, with his fearsome battle cry of “Schtop!  Schtop!”.

So what are my mixed feelings?  I suppose, they are not that mixed. I think the attraction of these ads is more about how dreadful they are, than about how clever. At times, though, they come close to being clever, and so maybe this makes them more annoying. Of late, the production quality looks expensive - implying that Grolsch themselves like the profile the ads are bringing for the company.

The adverts obviously use humour as their chief weapon, and sometimes they do raise a slight smile for me.

That said, the simple fact, is that the ads are just not quite funny enough to even begin challenge the comedy genius of the Tango adverts - which have to be amongst the funniest ever in my book.

So why do I mention the adverts now?

I suppose it's not the adverts for Grolsch, more like this one particular advert for Grolsch. The Grim Reaper.

What fascinates me is that our “hero” gets to plead for his life - to demonstrate that he should be allowed to continue to live.

Simple question - if you got a chance to know that you were going to die, and that you had a chance to change that fact by pointing out your value to the world and reasons to live..... well.......  What would you say?  Would you bother?

Just made me think.

Lorne Spicer

It would be quite wrong of me just “lay into” TV presenter Lorne Spicer. She doesn't really deserve it, and has, in all truth and honesty, done very well for herself.

That said, there would be no point in me mentioning her today, if she didn't annoy me in some way. In reality, she annoys me in pretty much every way. The tragedy is that I like some of the shows she presents, but preferred them when their original presenters were in charge.

So what's my beef with Lorne?  Well, it has to do, initially, with an out-take of her I saw on Denis Norden's “It'll be alright on the night”. She was working on a programme called “Car Booty” and it was raining. I'll not repeat her words here, except to say that she strongly implied that the people concerned were losers and that she felt she was wasting her time doing what she did, and maybe that people watching did not really care either.

Nothing wrong with that, you might think, but strange that she would allow TV to broadcast what were her real thoughts breaking through - not just an amusing quip or forgotten line.

Even without this, her obvious falseness and plastic smile would not have convinced me. It's clear that she has little interest or respect for what she is doing. She wears loads of make-up, which I also see as another attempt to hide the real her. Come to think of it - she often wears thick woollen coats, which hide almost all of her.

She's currently doing another series of "Car Booty" and "Cash In The Attic" on BBC1 during the day.

Anyway, see what you think - comments please....

Jamie's School Genius

I'll admit to being a little sceptical when I first heard about this program. The key factor in my attitude was not realising how bad the food has become in schools these days. The food was never great at my school, but it was overcooked from fresh ingredients, every day.

When I learned just how trashy school food had become, I was suddenly very concerned. I really don't think our kids should be required to eat so called “Turkey Twizzlers” with a 30% turkey content - added to with fat and bread crumbs to bulk them out and make up the final 70%.

Watching the series, as repeated on channel four has been for me a moving experience. Seeing kids resist the fresh food at first, and then accept it when not offered a junk food alternative has been a revelation to me. Young people seem so sure about what they want - and yet they base their opinions on little more than marketing by fast food companies and peer pressure.

When they actually come face to face with real food, there is confusion for a while, followed by the dawning of a new day. We cannot expect our children to like food that they have not been required to eat. They will always fear the unknown and stick to the safe, particularly if the TV is screaming at them to eat the trash.

I can't say more than that, because I am not a parent, and I don't want to be unfair to those who are. What I can do is  most wholeheartedly support the school food  transformation which will, hopefully, spread across the whole country. If our youngest people learn to like great food, I believe there is hope.

Well done Jamie. Your Knighthood is almost certainly booked.

Dr. Who?

Rarely has one actor stayed on my “well-liked” list for so short a period of time. Onto our screens as the Doctor waltzes Christopher Ecclescake - someone I seriously doubted could pull the role off - and he does a fantastic job. The character is believable, I am - much to my surprise, enchanted by the programme.

So far so good.

Now, before even the second episode has aired, we hear that Mr. Ecclefechan has quit the series, in fear of becoming typecast. I also heard that he found the filming schedule “gruelling”. Straight away - hero to zero. What a massive publicity cock-up.

I'll still watch the rest of the series, but cannot help but think of the new Doctor as little more than a traitor. In my book, it's two series minimum, or don't take the part.

So watch out, you potential Dr. Who actors - or you, too, will incur my wrath. Oh yes.

NB Note to potential James Bond actors: My level is three films minimum.

...oh and Blue Peter presenters - Three summers -- absolute bottom whack.

Big Brother Stuff

OK, I admit it. I'm annoyed. So, in a way, already "they" (the production team) have won. I wouldn't dream of missing an episode of this unfair and cruel pantomime.

I was angry at the way they fixed the Boot Camp task. Three fails per day is unheard of, usually for a four day task only three fails overall are allowed. Even then, many people claim to have seen further failures on the live coverage. I am sure that if Big Brother had wanted them to fail he would have sited uniform infringements etc. Bottom line, more housemates up for the vote equals more calls.

My worst complaint is the treatment of Michelle. After putting her through psychological torture by making her a sergeant, she then suffers extreme provocation from Ahmed over four days. When the truth is revealed at the end of the task, Ahmed then chooses to blame her. Quite understandably, she loses her cool as all the emotion finally spills out. Big Brother then calls her into the diary room and gives her a severe telling off, as if she is the bad guy in all this. Breathtaking.

For evil to work, it has to be clever misdirection and evil twists to the plot. Simply riding rough-shod over their own rules and manipulating the outcome is the lowest form of evil and not good to watch. I'm hoping for some quality evil in the remaining weeks, not just mental and physical cruelty.

One final note: I know I have defended Michelle in this entry. This defence does not stretch to defending her attitude to men - or even Stu. I heard her say this, the other day:

"I think you do want to become a vegetarian really, don't you, Stu?"

Move away Stu. When you leave, do not look back. A few years in Siberia never hurt anyone.

Just leave it, man. It's for the best.