AndyBlog

Into every rain, a little life must fall

Probably the easiest way to return to blogging after a long'ish gap is just to dive right in with little apology. That said, I do need to utter a word of thanks to you. Yes, you. You know who you are. You have checked this blog every day for months now. You're sick of those silly chinese letters - sick of wondering what they mean, and if they carry some secret message which may, in some way, explain the lack of blog entries here for the last few months.

The simple answer is that I don't remember what they mean either. I did know at one time, but I have forgotten. I'm pretty sure it was a cynical thing - and that they may stand for happiness or some such. The truth is that I have been more depressed in recent months than ever before.

No doubt you have noticed- those of you that know me - that it has been hard to get through to me on the phone, or to get through to me using any method. Even talking directly to my face wasn't always a guarantee of success.

I am happy to report that certainly the worst of it is now over. I feel the life returning into my brain, the heavy cloud lifting a little. I see little chinks of light here and there. It's quite a relief to see that the world is not as my brain was telling me. I bet many of you have dealt with depression in some form or other, so you'll know what I mean. I have to say that it shocked me. I am so used to being able to raise myself and put on a decent front in public. It took this bout of depression to demonstrate to me that sometimes it is impossible to show a cheerful face to the world. Sometimes one is so crushed by a feeling that nothing is possible. Nothing at all. It's been a salutory lesson for me - and one that enables me to understand depression a great deal better, and those of us who suffer it - for I must now count myself amongst that number.

In other news...

I had a birthday. I'm not entirely sure how old I am now, but Liz sometimes reminds me - more out of fun than anything else because I think she knows I will forget almost immediately.

Jason brought me this delightful cake, which I ate almost immediately - chocolates first, of course.

I also received a most amazing present from jason - my very own Ukulele. I am amazed and delighted by this wonderful present. It is, without doubt, the most delightful and sonorous Uke I have ever had the pleasure of owning.

It's a real joy to play and the sound is crisp, offering lots of rich sustain to every note - quite rare in all but the most expensive Ukes. In short, I am bowled over by this expansive gift, and I promise to practice the Uke fairly hard for quite a while as my way of showing how grateful I am. Thank you Jason.

In other gratitude...

My wonderful friends who have graciously given me the space I needed to get through this - yet made it abundantly clear they were there for me at any time. I love you people so much, and I count myself very fortunate to have such sensitive and caring friends.

Massive gratitude to my band “Soul Doubt”. There have been two or three gigs over this period and my leg pain situation has been more pronounced of late, making carrying gear all but impossible - especially whilst walking with a stick most times now. Those guys have helped me so well - they made it possible for me to play gigs that otherwise would have been completely beyond me. Words cannot express my gratitude.

I think I'll leave it there. I'll write some more soon.

Tricky Posting

I've always had a side of me that needs to be public. Right now, that side has deserted me, so I am forcing myself to do this. Big stuff is happening in my life - challenging stuff, on all fronts. Here's what those things are:

1) Health - I'm quite worried. I'm experiencing significant difficulties right now with my leg condition. Probably worse than I have led you to believe. I don't really want to say more than that - except, perhaps, that it has become a big challenge right now.

2) Mental State - I'm more concerned than I have ever been about this. I apologise publicly to all who feel I am shunning them and locking myself away. No, you're not imagining it - I really am doing this. It's not to do with me not liking you any more. It's to do with me being really depressed and going inside myself. At present, the thought of meeting up with anyone, or even going out is a matter of considerable stress. This has big implications, and I need to find a way round it. Regrettably, there are only a very few people I can spend time with right now. Please don't take it personally, I beg you. I will come through this in a little while, I know I will.

3) Divorce - Divorce is never a small issue, and I have had a double dose of it in short order. Arguably, I never properly got over my first divorce before marrying and subsequently being divorced from Liz. I have two pieces of paper that say I am divorced from these people, yet I still care for both, even though I am not in touch with Fiona at all now. Make not mistake - divorce messes with ones head, it is not good. It affects one comprehensively, and rocks everything.

4) Living Alone - I have to figure out how to do this. I have been fortunate in having wives who handled the stuff I struggle with. Being number-phobic is not as funny as some think. Sure, it is funny to laugh at me weeping because I can't handle thinking too much about numbers, but there is a serious side as well. This is just one of the challenges that living alone throws up. The other is managing to have enough money to do it. Another might be physically managing to do all the jobs required. The list gets quite long.

5) There is no five - because I do worry about being lonely. I discover I am just fine on my own and I am not craving companionship. Maybe that will come in time. I'll let you know.

So there it is. A decidedly downbeat posting - but I really did want to mark rock bottom in some way. I value this experience highly, as it gives me a real insight into the feelings surrounding depression. I believe this will aid me very much in getting alongside other people going through similar in the future. For this, I am grateful. For now, I am holding tight.

Things always get better, right?

Goin' home...

Just as the journey out is a big part of the holiday - arguably returning homing is a far bigger one. Back we go to the mundane existences we each enjoy. The specialness of being on holiday is over, and the only reason for us to write blog entries is that we have done or thought of something interesting.

Expect a lengthy pause.

It's been lovely to re-visit Tiree, and my friends Colin and Susan Woodcock. I've witnessed my first Raku firing, seen some top notch sunrises, eaten some lovely meals and been eaten to death by the midges that Tiree does not officially have. I've also seen over a dozen of Tiree's six trees, which was nice.

Now my thoughts return, with a sigh, to home. That said, the cloud didn't really leave me whilst away. I wish it had, but I was unable to completely elude it. I know this is a process I have to go with, but it is hard to shake the feeling that I will feel this bad forever.

The little memory detailed pictorially below is one that pleased me. Jac and myself were served matching puddings during a light lunch at the Scarinish Hotel. I can't ever remember being served a pudding that so completely matched my t-shirt, and to see Jac with one that totally matched her as well is almost beyond belief. Truly a treasured memory.

That said, in the short term, we need to concentrate our minds on the business of travelling home. The concerns revolve around waking up in time, vacating the house, remembering everything, not leaving the place a tip, not leaving a tip for the place, reading the electricity meters, catching the ferry and then driving home whilst tired and seasick.

If all goes well, we arrive home in the wee small hours of Sunday morning - excited, fresh and so very alive.

Smashing Sunrise

Those of you who know me well will know how many sunrises I see, and why I see then, when I do. This one was particularly smashing, and it heralded in what has proved to be the nicest weather of the holiday so far. Blue skies, gentle (mmm...maybe not /too/ gentle) breezes and warm sun.

Tiree, when the sun shines bright, is for me the most idyllic place I have ever witnessed. Maybe this is because the sun never seems to get too hot, and one can always enjoy a walk or to sit out and enjoy the countryside around.

It's OK, Jason, I'm going to stop there before I launch into the slightly depressive bout of soul searching you have come to expect. Yes, let's just leave it at that.

Although, at times like this...

Tiree Holiday Posting

Amazing Steak at Elephant's End Restaurant

Amazing Cattle Running Towards Me

Amazing installation at Gott Bay Pier

Jac on her never ending quest to photograph smashing things

Cultivated flowers, wild grass, rocks...ocean

Mannal Houses near our holiday cottage

Myrtle Bank Cottage, wherin we are living right now.

The waves of sea in a bay at here.

There you are. Holiday pictures to show nice things that I have seen and been to. Sadly, there is not a great deal of real pleasure right now. Just emptiness and a profound sense of loneliness. I am told this will change, so that's good.

Divorce

A very simple piece of news I received today is that my divorce has now fully completed, and we are now both single people again. As far as the law is concerned, we were never married. It's all over - and it never happened.

Of course, it did happen. Very much so. More than that, in many ways I still feel married. I suspect the cold realisation that I am now sailing my ship alone will come as a series of short sharp shocks more to do with bills and finances than to do with a lack of emotional support or, perhaps, an empty flat.

All I would say to anyone contemplating divorce right now is that it is in no way an easy solution. It is not a simple way out, and even the nicest most amicable divorce hurts so very badly. The faults I have that made this marriage impossible, I still have, and will carry forward into any possible further relationship. If it had just been about me, then it would have been worth working hard at making changes. Sadly, as a couple, Liz and I were not good for each other, no matter how much we each developed as people. This, and only this made the divorce necessary.

I would caution anyone contemplating divorce to check first if their basic compatibility with their partner is there. If it is - then hang on in there. Fix it. Get some counselling - grow as a person. Make it work again, because that potential is there. Divorce will not help you one bit.

I bitterly regret that this is not the case for me at this time, because I feel that Liz is the kind of person I really could have worked things through with.

So, with those salutary words notwithstanding, it is now over. Within a few short weeks Liz will leave our flat and begin to live on her own again. I will stay at the flat and do the same.

I wish I could shake off the awful feeling that I died a bit today.

Back in God's country...

So here we are, suddenly thrust back onto the Isle of Tiree.

It was raining when we got here, indeed, the rain and general inclemency affected the sea portion of the journey profoundly. As soon as a ferry hits a swell, two things happen almost immediately:

1: A group of excited children, teenagers and excitable parents gather at the front of the observation lounge and shout “Wahaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!” each time we hit a big wave. The rules for the sound emitted are not strict, with sound people merely screaming, and others politely applauding.

I did nothing. I didn't even look. I placed my faith in the anti-seasickness pills I had taken - and the soporific effects they engendered. To look at the waves, or indeed to move in any way would have been to invite greater waves of nausea - which brings me to point two:

2: A slight smell of vomit lingers in the air.

Nevertheless, arrive we did, and the unpacking was done with good grace, although not much enthusiasm. We were all wrecked on so many levels. Time to sleep. We hurriedly unpacked our bedding, made our beds, and then lay on them.

I should point out that I am on holiday with Jac - a good friend from way back, and her son Tris. Tris nobly stood in for TL, whose fresh status as an ex-wife of mine somewhat precluded her from accompanying us on this occasion. Not the easiest situation to deal with, but it seemed such a shame to waste a perfectly booked holiday on Tiree - particularly as booking a cottage here is so much in demand. I won't pretend that some sort of black market deal did not occur to me.

Upon waking after the bliss of 4 hours sleep, I noticed the weather had brightened considerably. The sun showed its face and the afternoon soon lit up in a more traditional and usual idyllic way of Tiree. That said, even in the rain, the island retains a little of its magic.

My, how good it is to be here. Surely, of all the places on God's good earth, Tiree is the one which has the capacity to raise my spirits?

The pictures are of our first meal together, beautifully cooked by Jac. Most welcome. Thank you Jac. I did take pictures of the rain and the shine, but a caera card error snatched them away again. Ah, well.

More reports soon, assuming I manage to sniff out some internet...

Tiree Holiday 2008

Night drive from NBTS to Oban in 5 hours. Very tired. Very very tired. Oh my am I tired. Made the ferry on time. Tired though. Very tired. Now to board...thoughts of bacon abound. Yes, hungry - but still tired.

Eat.

Then sleep...

Another Sad Announcement

Having witnessed the eventual breakup of my parents' marriage and seen friends and relatives alike go through this awful process, it was always my conviction that it would not be so for myself. I told myself I would find someone who I really loved, and cheerfully stick with them my whole life.

Sadly, my dream was shattered when Fiona decided she needed to be with her special friend Julia, and so we were divorced. Following this, I got together with my very dear lifetime friend Liz, and we were convinced that such a longstanding friendship was the basis for an excellent loving marriage.

Sad to say, such was not the case. Whilst I have a huge amount of love in my heart for Liz, it has become clear in the short time we have been together, there is no way we can successfully live together as man and wife.

To those of you who questioned whether it was wise for me to move on so quickly from Fiona, feel free to wear your "I told you so" T-shirts for a while. I certainly wouldn't blame you. That said, had the relationship really been right, I believe any problems caused by the quick change could have been overcome.

PON News

Rebecca does her best, despite a huge crowd of ugly children demanding entry

It's every retailer's worst nightmare - a totally full-on assault on the "three children or less" rule. I watched for all of 15 minutes as Rebecca skillfully negotiated with them - finally getting them to leave without calling the police. I observed her, some moments later, looking frail, exhausted and in general need of some wealthier clients.

She is expected to make a full recovery.