AndyBlog

Buffet Food...

Here's how to get the great British buffet aftertaste without the expense

...without the party.

We all love the feeling of having been at a wonderful British buffet over the Christmas period. They're wonderful, aren't they? Well, without going to all the expense of either driving to one - or, let's face it, managing to get invited to one.

OK, so here's how.

As pictures - get pickled onions, peanuts and cheese.

1) Take a bite of onion
2) Take a bit of cheese
3) Grab some nuts and “sprinkle” them into your mouth
4) Chew and subsequently swallow

Now then - now, and only now...can you taste it? Close your eyes, imagine it - YES you're at a fairly poor church or youth club organised party, aren't you? Man. Takes me back.

If you don't like onions - try substituting pineapple chunks. Works just as well.

This tip brought to you by Andy®

Tech Support Funnies

Having worked at one time in computer tech support, these funnies have a particular access to my inner thingies. I hope they make the more smug amongst you smile.

[With grateful thanks to "Within the Crainium"]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... this one does work.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

[OK, this one was the one that made me laugh out loud...for some reason...]

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

PON News

Rebecca does her best, despite a huge crowd of ugly children demanding entry

It's every retailer's worst nightmare - a totally full-on assault on the "three children or less" rule. I watched for all of 15 minutes as Rebecca skillfully negotiated with them - finally getting them to leave without calling the police. I observed her, some moments later, looking frail, exhausted and in general need of some wealthier clients.

She is expected to make a full recovery.

Watching for the signs

Part of the delight of visiting any country is to take in the culture in all its varied forms.

Road signs, for example, tell us so much about the things a country sees as important.

Pictured here to the right you see a sign showing the care that the United States of America is showing towards its growing and active drug-taking community.

Addicts are clearly informed, by means of roadside signs, when to expect special offers on a variety of drugs. The one shown here appertains to speed, but other common signs include:

”Pricey but high quality Heroin ahead“

and

”Rock bottom Crack in 2 miles“

It's certainly more blatant and widespread than I had imagined.

Another thing to watch for are “strange behaviour signs”. These cover a wide range of strange and unusual hapennings that you will see, but be shocked to see in and around the United States.

The one pictured below is a very good example. It warns us to watch out for “Bicycles Chasing People” - and whilst this is sufficiently rare for me not to have actually seen it myself, I am assured it happens all too often. Sometimes with horrifying consequences.

The occasional roadside cross with a few wilted flowers sadly tells its own story. Sometimes a wheel from the errant bike is left in the ditch as well, as a further warning to the unwary.

This is a sad and troubling side to life that I was completely unaware of before this visit.

Redneck Dogs

Yes, it's a funny Photoshop paste-up. But, crucially, it IS funny. :)

I know I know I know...

I know it's cheap humour, I know it's a cheap shot, I know it's a poor way to break my blogging duck, I know I could do better - and I know a few of you will be disappointed in me - but I like this. Setting everything else aside, it made me smile - and things like that are at a premium right now. I have rarely been so upset for so long - not since years ago, actually. So let me have this one small thing, OK? :)

EYE TEST

What could it be?

First I noticed this:

Then this, on the path outside the flat:

Also this:

Then these, on the gravel...

It's a total mystery to me, but it seems this place has been the victim of a light shelling.

Four Candles - The Two Ronnies

Classic humour now from the Two Ronnies - for my money, their best ever sketch. Reproduced here for your Christmas pleasure.

THE TWO RONNIES - "The Hardware Shop" aka "Four Candles'"


In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.

CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)

BARKER: Four Candles!

CORBETT: Four Candles?

BARKER: Four Candles.(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)

BARKER: No, four candles!

CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!

BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)

CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?

BARKER: Got any plugs?

CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?

BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)

CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?

BARKER: Thirteen amp!

CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)

BARKER: Saw tips!

CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?

BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.

CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?

BARKER: 'O's!

CORBETT: 'O's?

BARKER: 'O's.(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)

BARKER: No, 'O's!

CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!(He places the hose onto the counter)

BARKER: No, 'O's!

CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)

BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!

CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)

CORBETT: How many d'you want?

BARKER: Two.(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)

CORBETT: Yes, next?

BARKER: Got any P's?

CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?

BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!

CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?

BARKER: I'm not!(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)

CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?

BARKER: Got any pumps?

CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!

\BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!

CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.(He puts the pump down on the counter)BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!

CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!

BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!

CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?

BARKER: Washers!

CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?

BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!

CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!

JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

CRITICISMS ABOUT THE SKETCH

When Ronnie Corbett goes to get the O's, he leaves the hose on the counter, but when he comes back with the O's, the hose has gone!

While going for the P's, Ronnie Corbett mutters about not having any help, yet at the end, he gets Mr. Jones in.No-one seems to bother about getting his tap washers.

ROOM at the inn...

This just in from the AFP news wire...

A hotel chain on Tuesday said it was offering couples called Joseph and Mary in Britain Ireland and Spain free accommodation this Christmas on proof of marriage and name. They said husbands and wives matching their criteria would get a night's stay on the house, but with more home comforts than the humble stable of the Christian Nativity story.
The offer, appropriately, runs between Christmas Eve to Twelfth Night (January 5, 2008). "The phrase 'no room at the inn' is something that resonates with us in the hotel business," said Travelodge operations director Jason Cotta. "Therefore this year we have decided to evoke the true spirit of Christmas and invite Mary and Joseph couples as our guests."
A Travelodge spokeswoman told us that couples will have to be married and provide proof of identity and register their names at a special e-mail address.

Best of the BB Limmerix

I love the Digital Spy forums limericks thread.

Here are some of my favourites from this year's offerings so far.

"Get away from the fridge!" ordered Nicky.
"It’s not that I want to be picky,
I'm really quite sweet,
But next time you eat
I'll kill you - now hand me my biccy!"

Dear Laura continues to rile
As she spits out her venom and bile,
But what most distresses
Is that she possesses
Two faces - and both of 'em vile.

And so our Big Brother begins
First entry is a set of pink twins
We're all seeing double
Lets hope they cause trouble
With their screeching and constant sweet grins