AndyBlog

Cold Comfort Shirt

I'm wearing my comfort shirt today - you know the one. It has holes in it, and it's way too big, even for me. Over the years it has gotten thin, and it seems to offer little warmth to me today. Inside it, I can feel myself trembling as I face the reality of the time ahead.

The last three weeks have been a time of heaven - of haven - for me. It has been a time of hope, of healing and of self discovery. An important time on every level I can think of, and probably every level that I can't. It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I have finally seen something that I should have seen years ago. Many years ago.

In short, it has been fantastic - I would struggle to conjure up sufficient superlatives to fully satisfy the feeling in my heart - either for the wonderfulness of her being here, or for the devastatingness of her being gone. My spell checker tells me that there is no such word as ”devastatingness“ - well, there should be, and there is now. It's as if my happiness is encased in a massive chunk of ice in front of me. I can see it, and observe it in almost every way - I just can't touch it and properly engage with it again.

I'm wearing my comfort shirt today, but it is not working. Maybe I'm spelling it wrong. Here, let me try again:

”chert“

...well, nearly.

Divorcee

To be fair, I did toy briefly with “Bachelor” and, for an even more briefly'er moment “Gay Divorcee” - but I decided that for overall honesty and to avoid possible misconceptions “Divorcee” was very much the way to go here.

I make this post in order to state the blindingly obvious - so obvious is it that you may well groan - but I say it because the reality of it is what has become true to me over the past few weeks.

It is simply this - when one is on one's own, noting happens unless one, one's-self, does it.

Obvious, yes?

Yet I wonder... how many husbands are used to quietly taking credit for a house presented by their wives. How many spouse's quietly take credit for a meal cooked by their opposite number. It is the “family unit” that takes the plaudits. When that family unit is just one - and the one is a woman, a fairly high standard of cleanliness and tidiness is assumed. When that one is a man - no matter how hard he tries, he is judged by how different it is to how a woman might keep hers. I have even heard it said that this place now lacks “a woman's touch”. Frankly, I resent that - because I'm practically gay, apart from the sexuality thing.

I know exactly what I want to do with the place - I am just too poor and too darned lazy to do it. These are the real facts. Nothing happens unless I make it happen. No washing is done, no pots are cleaned, no surfaces are wiped.

I may never rise to “He keeps his place nice!” - but I am becoming aware that “He hasn't let it slide too bad...” is just about on the cards.

I shall get used to it eventually.

Into every rain, a little life must fall

Probably the easiest way to return to blogging after a long'ish gap is just to dive right in with little apology. That said, I do need to utter a word of thanks to you. Yes, you. You know who you are. You have checked this blog every day for months now. You're sick of those silly chinese letters - sick of wondering what they mean, and if they carry some secret message which may, in some way, explain the lack of blog entries here for the last few months.

The simple answer is that I don't remember what they mean either. I did know at one time, but I have forgotten. I'm pretty sure it was a cynical thing - and that they may stand for happiness or some such. The truth is that I have been more depressed in recent months than ever before.

No doubt you have noticed- those of you that know me - that it has been hard to get through to me on the phone, or to get through to me using any method. Even talking directly to my face wasn't always a guarantee of success.

I am happy to report that certainly the worst of it is now over. I feel the life returning into my brain, the heavy cloud lifting a little. I see little chinks of light here and there. It's quite a relief to see that the world is not as my brain was telling me. I bet many of you have dealt with depression in some form or other, so you'll know what I mean. I have to say that it shocked me. I am so used to being able to raise myself and put on a decent front in public. It took this bout of depression to demonstrate to me that sometimes it is impossible to show a cheerful face to the world. Sometimes one is so crushed by a feeling that nothing is possible. Nothing at all. It's been a salutory lesson for me - and one that enables me to understand depression a great deal better, and those of us who suffer it - for I must now count myself amongst that number.

In other news...

I had a birthday. I'm not entirely sure how old I am now, but Liz sometimes reminds me - more out of fun than anything else because I think she knows I will forget almost immediately.

Jason brought me this delightful cake, which I ate almost immediately - chocolates first, of course.

I also received a most amazing present from jason - my very own Ukulele. I am amazed and delighted by this wonderful present. It is, without doubt, the most delightful and sonorous Uke I have ever had the pleasure of owning.

It's a real joy to play and the sound is crisp, offering lots of rich sustain to every note - quite rare in all but the most expensive Ukes. In short, I am bowled over by this expansive gift, and I promise to practice the Uke fairly hard for quite a while as my way of showing how grateful I am. Thank you Jason.

In other gratitude...

My wonderful friends who have graciously given me the space I needed to get through this - yet made it abundantly clear they were there for me at any time. I love you people so much, and I count myself very fortunate to have such sensitive and caring friends.

Massive gratitude to my band “Soul Doubt”. There have been two or three gigs over this period and my leg pain situation has been more pronounced of late, making carrying gear all but impossible - especially whilst walking with a stick most times now. Those guys have helped me so well - they made it possible for me to play gigs that otherwise would have been completely beyond me. Words cannot express my gratitude.

I think I'll leave it there. I'll write some more soon.

Tricky Posting

I've always had a side of me that needs to be public. Right now, that side has deserted me, so I am forcing myself to do this. Big stuff is happening in my life - challenging stuff, on all fronts. Here's what those things are:

1) Health - I'm quite worried. I'm experiencing significant difficulties right now with my leg condition. Probably worse than I have led you to believe. I don't really want to say more than that - except, perhaps, that it has become a big challenge right now.

2) Mental State - I'm more concerned than I have ever been about this. I apologise publicly to all who feel I am shunning them and locking myself away. No, you're not imagining it - I really am doing this. It's not to do with me not liking you any more. It's to do with me being really depressed and going inside myself. At present, the thought of meeting up with anyone, or even going out is a matter of considerable stress. This has big implications, and I need to find a way round it. Regrettably, there are only a very few people I can spend time with right now. Please don't take it personally, I beg you. I will come through this in a little while, I know I will.

3) Divorce - Divorce is never a small issue, and I have had a double dose of it in short order. Arguably, I never properly got over my first divorce before marrying and subsequently being divorced from Liz. I have two pieces of paper that say I am divorced from these people, yet I still care for both, even though I am not in touch with Fiona at all now. Make not mistake - divorce messes with ones head, it is not good. It affects one comprehensively, and rocks everything.

4) Living Alone - I have to figure out how to do this. I have been fortunate in having wives who handled the stuff I struggle with. Being number-phobic is not as funny as some think. Sure, it is funny to laugh at me weeping because I can't handle thinking too much about numbers, but there is a serious side as well. This is just one of the challenges that living alone throws up. The other is managing to have enough money to do it. Another might be physically managing to do all the jobs required. The list gets quite long.

5) There is no five - because I do worry about being lonely. I discover I am just fine on my own and I am not craving companionship. Maybe that will come in time. I'll let you know.

So there it is. A decidedly downbeat posting - but I really did want to mark rock bottom in some way. I value this experience highly, as it gives me a real insight into the feelings surrounding depression. I believe this will aid me very much in getting alongside other people going through similar in the future. For this, I am grateful. For now, I am holding tight.

Things always get better, right?

Drugs, man!

Oh my...those tablets are SO good.

I know they take less pain away than the morphine, but they let me be who I am without depressing me. Honestly, I feel SO much better.

Yay!

Giving in?

I find myself feeling rather strange this evening. Nothing unusual about that, you may think, in some sort of cleverly affected comedy aside. The reason I feel strange is that a decision has been made. It is a logical decision, a sensible decision and one it is very hard to fight against. It is, none the less, a decision which affects me fundamentally and fills me with a real sense of sadness.

The reality of this last week is that I have not left the house at all. I have spent the week on the "sick". It's been a weird feeling. The realisation that actually, my leg problems have caused severe enough pain to prevent me from walking even to the bathroom without having to stop on the way to recover. It's ridiculous - but sadly true. I have not been able to sleep nights, because the downward pressure on my lower legs causes too much pain. I must, instead, wait until I am utterly exhausted in order to grab a few hours rest. This is unsustainable, at best.

In truth my productivity as a worker has been compromised for some time by pain and related issues. I have not been working as fast, or as well as I should. All the time I am distracted by the pain from my calves which attacks me 24/7/365. (No Jason, I am not a farmer) Partly through swelling, partly through whatever damage done to the nerves and tissue down there - for whatever reason, it hurts all the time, and it seems to be getting worse as I lose weight.

So, the decision had to be made to register me in the support system. It's a realistic move, to reflect where I am at at the moment. I don't like it, I hate it actually, but the reality is that it is unfair to rely totally on TL to provide everything - and I am not in a position at the moment to be completely self-reliant. I suppose it is time to get real, on every level, and live my life as it is. I don't want to be trapped here forever - and I never wanted to be branded "disabled" or "in-valid", but things are as they are for the moment. It is time to get a bit of practical help. I'm not sure exactly what is on offer, but I will find out. I might even let you know.

Let's hope the good people at Chester enjoy reading about my life, as defined in 50 pages of questions. Is even 50 enough to sum up the richness of a person's existence? What's that I hear - you could manage with 2?

Honestly.

Games beat pain revelation

Pain sufferers find gaming better than drugs

" A researcher at Simon Fraser University in Canada has discovered evidence to show that playing video games is more effective at helping chronic pain sufferers than medication.

Professor Diane Gromala worked with doctors in an attempt to determine how gaming can relieve the pain of patients.

According to the published report, "controlled experiments consistently show subjects who are distracted in a fully-virtual reality world… report less pain than their counterparts using drug-based pain therapy”. "

[Taken from the Digital Spy Web Site today]

I find this enthralling. As a chronic pain sufferer for some years now, I have tried most things suggested.

Recently, I have been suffering from significant stress as well as pain. I have taken to playing an online role-playing game - not a nasty one - just a simple character-based game in which I move around a 3-d world meeting people, doing activities etc.

Some would, no doubt, call it boring. They may be right, but when I need to get some relief from what I am feeling, I find it is just the ticket. An hour clicking away and flying around to different places and I tend to forget the pain to a significant extent. I can settle my mind, and prepare for sleep. As a consequence, I sleep better and feel more refreshed.

I don't know if this is quite what those Canadian researchers are on about, but it would seem so. I have certainly seen the benefits - far beyond the time actually spent playing the game.

Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

Leaving a Legacy - The Follow Up

Thanks for the interest

Thanks to you all for your comments and views on the subject of organ donation. It's good to talk about these issues and thus prevent them from being somehow distasteful and to be hidden away - in our minds if nothing else.

To Angela I must say this:

I'm slightly surprised that you would take exception to me using your family relationships as an example. I can't see that there would be any doubt of my intentions here - and I hope that it would be completely obvious that I was not wishing any ill on you or your loved ones. Quite the opposite. I'm truly sorry if I caused offence in any way. I was merely putting a "What if?" situation to you, so that you had a chance to explore how you would feel if you were in a position where you were unable to ignore the issue of organ donation.

The fact that it touched a nerve is the very reason to use examples like that. They are the only ones that matter. When it is you and yours involved - it brings it home like nothing else can. That said, I'm sure they're all fine and I hope and pray they will never either require a transplant, or be in a position to actually be a donor.

When I signed up...

In my own experience with going on the organ donor register, I will say that it is a slightly strange feeling filling out the online application form. It is a bit creepy because it connects you with your own death in a way that I guess we'd all prefer not to. Like Ian, I found that I certainly did feel a bit weird. That said, I felt good when I had done it. I doubt anything of mine will be much use to anyone when I am gone, but on the off-chance that it is they are very welcome to it.

At that point, I certainly won't have any further use for the bits that were my body. I mean, by then, I'll be right in the middle of discovering whether everything I have believed about God all my life is actually true or not. Which, I suppose, means I'll either be tremendously happy and fulfilled or just gone forever and lost in oblivion. Either that, of course, or due to a slightly garbled reading of the truth about forgiveness - rotting in the pit of hell in eternal torment.

I wish my mind didn't scream at me at times like this: "Now, that sounds more like it!".

Oh NO!

Is this a disaster in the making?

It's OK, folks, don't worry. All is well. Having served my initial 4 week foodless sentence I am now afforded a week of "greens and whites". This essentially means that I get to have some chicken or fish and some green salad for one meal a day, instead of a diet drink.

Next week I am back to the grind. How weak and loose my interpretation of these rules is able to get will be revealed on my trip to Tiree with Jason over the next few days. I promise to try quite hard to be fairly good'ish.

Tuesday is d-day again, strict Cambridge diet rules for another 4 weeks. I will stand firm. I promise.

In the meantime, I will try to establish an internet connection from HERE, and let you know how the trip is going. It's a long drive to Oban tomorrow, then a longish ferry out to Tiree first thing Saturday morning.

I'd be a stinky liar if I claimed not to be looking forward to it.

Pain Clinic

Amidst my frenzied attempt to lose weight, I am rarely able to forget the pain that follows me around all the time.

Ever since I was infected with cellulitis first in the right leg, then the left I have been left with what can fairly be described as a fair amount of paint. Often it is much more than that, but I really don't want to moan here. I prefer to moan in private - more effective, I find.

So today was my appointment at the Wansbeck Pain Clinic. I was lucky to get an appointment so quickly, and I will admit to being somewhat excited by the prospect of some more substantial pain relief.

So how did it go?

It went as well as can be expected, I suppose. I admit to always feeling a bit down after leaving a hospital. Not quite sure why. I guess it brings everything into focus. Reminds me how precarious things have been in the past, and that I can't realistically expect a total solution at any point.

Nevertheless, there are various new treatments in the offing - including a shiny new machine to carefully electrocute myself with and a number of new and different drugs. Most entertaining, is a new cream made entirely from red hot chilli peppers.

Apparently, this burns as one applies it to the damaged area.

I have to apply it four times a day.

Not sure about this. I mean, who ever heard of a pain relief medicine that /hurts/ ?

Andyway, all this new stuff raises my hopes a little that I might experience less pain in the future, and this coupled with my continuing weight loss will hopefully help to make a lot brighter future all round.

Even so, mixed feelings today. Here's for the future.