AndyBlog

Cold Comfort Shirt

I'm wearing my comfort shirt today - you know the one. It has holes in it, and it's way too big, even for me. Over the years it has gotten thin, and it seems to offer little warmth to me today. Inside it, I can feel myself trembling as I face the reality of the time ahead.

The last three weeks have been a time of heaven - of haven - for me. It has been a time of hope, of healing and of self discovery. An important time on every level I can think of, and probably every level that I can't. It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I have finally seen something that I should have seen years ago. Many years ago.

In short, it has been fantastic - I would struggle to conjure up sufficient superlatives to fully satisfy the feeling in my heart - either for the wonderfulness of her being here, or for the devastatingness of her being gone. My spell checker tells me that there is no such word as ”devastatingness“ - well, there should be, and there is now. It's as if my happiness is encased in a massive chunk of ice in front of me. I can see it, and observe it in almost every way - I just can't touch it and properly engage with it again.

I'm wearing my comfort shirt today, but it is not working. Maybe I'm spelling it wrong. Here, let me try again:

”chert“

...well, nearly.

Divorce

A very simple piece of news I received today is that my divorce has now fully completed, and we are now both single people again. As far as the law is concerned, we were never married. It's all over - and it never happened.

Of course, it did happen. Very much so. More than that, in many ways I still feel married. I suspect the cold realisation that I am now sailing my ship alone will come as a series of short sharp shocks more to do with bills and finances than to do with a lack of emotional support or, perhaps, an empty flat.

All I would say to anyone contemplating divorce right now is that it is in no way an easy solution. It is not a simple way out, and even the nicest most amicable divorce hurts so very badly. The faults I have that made this marriage impossible, I still have, and will carry forward into any possible further relationship. If it had just been about me, then it would have been worth working hard at making changes. Sadly, as a couple, Liz and I were not good for each other, no matter how much we each developed as people. This, and only this made the divorce necessary.

I would caution anyone contemplating divorce to check first if their basic compatibility with their partner is there. If it is - then hang on in there. Fix it. Get some counselling - grow as a person. Make it work again, because that potential is there. Divorce will not help you one bit.

I bitterly regret that this is not the case for me at this time, because I feel that Liz is the kind of person I really could have worked things through with.

So, with those salutary words notwithstanding, it is now over. Within a few short weeks Liz will leave our flat and begin to live on her own again. I will stay at the flat and do the same.

I wish I could shake off the awful feeling that I died a bit today.

Another Sad Announcement

Having witnessed the eventual breakup of my parents' marriage and seen friends and relatives alike go through this awful process, it was always my conviction that it would not be so for myself. I told myself I would find someone who I really loved, and cheerfully stick with them my whole life.

Sadly, my dream was shattered when Fiona decided she needed to be with her special friend Julia, and so we were divorced. Following this, I got together with my very dear lifetime friend Liz, and we were convinced that such a longstanding friendship was the basis for an excellent loving marriage.

Sad to say, such was not the case. Whilst I have a huge amount of love in my heart for Liz, it has become clear in the short time we have been together, there is no way we can successfully live together as man and wife.

To those of you who questioned whether it was wise for me to move on so quickly from Fiona, feel free to wear your "I told you so" T-shirts for a while. I certainly wouldn't blame you. That said, had the relationship really been right, I believe any problems caused by the quick change could have been overcome.

Wenting

OK, it's nearly time for me to went.

Wenting to the USA is not the easiest business, especially without the actual benefit of the standard compliment of two working legs.

I have done what I can to make the powers that be aware that I need a little extra help, but I somehow doubt that will amount to much.

The many millions of miles of walkway used to connect airports together are all very well, but can take some time to traverse, particularly when one has unusually painful and ineffective legs. I have attempted to book a buggy for myself to be rather smug on...I'll let you know.

For those of you who have not paid proper attention, I am off to spend a month in Maryland in the USA. It's going to be a very special time for a number of reasons. A great time to reflect on my life up to here and get my brain in order for once. A time to see the sights...the forest...the coast...the bay... A time to unwind from the tension that has been all but pulling m apart of late.

Be happy for me folks, and as I write this I will soon have to throw myself on the mercies of the aviation transport system. Please pray if you pray that all will go smoothly and that I will be sensitively provided for on the planes on which I am lucky enough to travel. I deliberately paid extra to travel with British Airways because I heard their level of passenger care was higher. I really need it today, folks.

I will, of course, update you on what happened in a future blog. I kinda hope that it's all rather boring and straightforward.

One thing is for sure, the people I am going to be spending the most time with are really great and I know I will be well looked after. So, once I am there, those of you who worry need worry no more.

I may be a be able to grab a little sleep now...maybe an hour...

The more I change...

...the more I stay the same.

I have some news, friends. I have changed my name!

It's been a long time coming and perhaps some of you didn't think I would actually get round to this, but I have finally done it and from now on you can all call me by new new name:

ANDY CURTIS

First of all, I hope you like it. It took me a while to decide on this name - and I wanted to get the mix of old and new just right. So, to be fair, i took the name "Andy" from my current forenames - and the name "Curtis" from my current surname. I figured this would give a feeling of continuity.

I know what you're thinking - it isn't very different, is it? Well, no, it isn't. That's the point really. It is exactly what and who I am. My middle name has gone, and my forename is "Andy" - being the shortened version of my original name "Andrew". From now on, I can say with some justification that my name IS Andy Curtis.

At the doctors. When I am in court. On my passport. In hospital. With the Police. At the drugs rehabilitation centre. At the Dentist's...etc.

To everybody and in every situation I am finally simply "Andy Curtis".

It's a situation that pleases me no end. I have achieved a level of conformity this way - by being the same thing to everyone. I found it hard being "Andrew Curtis" to some. It just didn't seem to fit. Better to be the thing I am and even everything out that way.

I know it isn't a big thing for most of you, but it is a big thing for me.

Giving in?

I find myself feeling rather strange this evening. Nothing unusual about that, you may think, in some sort of cleverly affected comedy aside. The reason I feel strange is that a decision has been made. It is a logical decision, a sensible decision and one it is very hard to fight against. It is, none the less, a decision which affects me fundamentally and fills me with a real sense of sadness.

The reality of this last week is that I have not left the house at all. I have spent the week on the "sick". It's been a weird feeling. The realisation that actually, my leg problems have caused severe enough pain to prevent me from walking even to the bathroom without having to stop on the way to recover. It's ridiculous - but sadly true. I have not been able to sleep nights, because the downward pressure on my lower legs causes too much pain. I must, instead, wait until I am utterly exhausted in order to grab a few hours rest. This is unsustainable, at best.

In truth my productivity as a worker has been compromised for some time by pain and related issues. I have not been working as fast, or as well as I should. All the time I am distracted by the pain from my calves which attacks me 24/7/365. (No Jason, I am not a farmer) Partly through swelling, partly through whatever damage done to the nerves and tissue down there - for whatever reason, it hurts all the time, and it seems to be getting worse as I lose weight.

So, the decision had to be made to register me in the support system. It's a realistic move, to reflect where I am at at the moment. I don't like it, I hate it actually, but the reality is that it is unfair to rely totally on TL to provide everything - and I am not in a position at the moment to be completely self-reliant. I suppose it is time to get real, on every level, and live my life as it is. I don't want to be trapped here forever - and I never wanted to be branded "disabled" or "in-valid", but things are as they are for the moment. It is time to get a bit of practical help. I'm not sure exactly what is on offer, but I will find out. I might even let you know.

Let's hope the good people at Chester enjoy reading about my life, as defined in 50 pages of questions. Is even 50 enough to sum up the richness of a person's existence? What's that I hear - you could manage with 2?

Honestly.

Building a shack...

So...I got a new shack...and a new mixer.

All is well. Sort of.

Well, it's high time...

...that I wrote something here.

The dust is beginning to settle, and we are starting to feel like we really do live at our new place in Newbiggin. It has, undoubtedly, been a stressful fortnight, and one littered with various physical and emotional challenges. I'm not entirely convinced either of us have come through with flying colours, but the reality is that we now have a home which we are starting to like - and a location that suits us far better than the previous one.

No longer must we put up with the constant swearing outside our window and the smell of cigarette smoke wafting in most of the time. We get a degree of noise at night, because we are quite near two pubs, but it is not on anything like the scale of before. Not only that, but our bedroom is on the back of the property, where it is considerably quieter anyway. The only thing to trouble us here is the barking of the dogs who live at a business out back. I'd be happier if they were actually in the Outback. Australia.

I still don't have my shack fully built, but it is coming along. I am frustrated by my supposedly super-dooper firewire sound card, which has actually been nothing but bother. Trying to get my radio station to work has been a right pain.

Nevertheless, I have a much larger kitchen to create nice things in - something that TL and Ruth were kind enough to let me do last night. I made a creditable mushroom and leek risotto. It was nice to cook with sufficient space to actually move in. It was actually a joy.

So, we have a housewarming to look forward to and prepare for - if you know us, there's an excellent chance that you are invited. Forgive me if I forget to ask you personally. All our friends from Newbiggin/Ashington are very welcome. Please contact me for details.

Well, that about wraps it up for the "catch-up blog".

I should close by saying something very heartfelt and sincere:

It's not been easy, this last year, despite living with the person I love, having to put up with with such an awful place to live in. This new flat brings with it a promise of a more peaceful existence, and I feel a real sense of relief - but also pride that I am no longer embarrassed to welcome people into my home. It will be great, over the next few weeks, to welcome people to somewhere we have no immediate intention of leaving.

Quite apart from anything else, TL would explode if we were to move again soon.

Mmmmm.....Yarrrghhh....Arrgghh!

Busy.

Movin'... queuin'... packin'...
Hopin'... copin'... shackin'....
Fetchin'... retchin'... tackin'...
Liftin'... shiftin'... hackin'...

Busy.

Yikes!

The BT engineer has just rung to inform me there is so much work to do on transferring our line to our new house that he needs to cut us off NOW.

Not even sure if this blog will post..............

Byeeeee.......................

UPDATE..UPDATE..UPDATE..UPDATE..UPDATE..UPDATE..UPDATE..

OK, so we didn't get cut off. He tried to climb the pole at the new place and discovered it to be fire damaged, so he then ordered a cherry picker for tomorrow, so as to ensure his complete health and safety.

I still have no faith whatsoever that the switch will go smoothly...