
Having witnessed the eventual breakup of my parents' marriage and seen friends and relatives alike go through this awful process, it was always my conviction that it would not be so for myself. I told myself I would find someone who I really loved, and cheerfully stick with them my whole life.
Sadly, my dream was shattered when Fiona decided she needed to be with her special friend Julia, and so we were divorced. Following this, I got together with my very dear lifetime friend Liz, and we were convinced that such a longstanding friendship was the basis for an excellent loving marriage.
Sad to say, such was not the case. Whilst I have a huge amount of love in my heart for Liz, it has become clear in the short time we have been together, there is no way we can successfully live together as man and wife.
To those of you who questioned whether it was wise for me to move on so quickly from Fiona, feel free to wear your "I told you so" T-shirts for a while. I certainly wouldn't blame you. That said, had the relationship really been right, I believe any problems caused by the quick change could have been overcome.
The simple fact remains that we do not share enough in common to truly weave a life together in a way that would properly support marriage. We have not fallen out, indeed we have chosen to make this move in order to prevent the further deterioration of our friendship. Once apart, we fully intend to continue our life-long friendship, because a friendship like that really is worth something. I suppose those of you with the "I told you so" T-shirts may well, at this point, be reaching for your "You can never go back" T-shirts. All I can say is, "we'll see". I certainly don't want to write anything off without first trying. The friendship which remains will be different, that's for sure, but I rather doubt it will end because of this.
We make few enough really good friends in this world, and so I do not intend to deliberately attempt to let go of a friendship like that. Quite the opposite. What bitterness there is about how things have worked out is out there in the open, and I believe we are both very forgiving people. There is no deep hurt in there doing its destructive work deep down.
Liz will remain in NBTS, but will shortly be moving to her own house, once the repairs and upgrades are done. I shall remain in the flat here, and I have the joys of living alone to look forward to. I can't pretend it's going to be easy on any front: emotionally, physically or financially. The challenges are many and varied. I am not a particularly robust person emotionally, despite what you might think, and so a lot hangs on how well I can pull myself together and take on all the responsibilities which I have done such a good job of avoiding over the years.
I face the future not in the best of health, and wondering quite how I have managed to make such a hash of things. As things stand, the one thing which gives my life real meaning is not available to me right now, and may not be for some time. So I need to concentrate on doing the other things which make me feel like I am a useful addition to this world. I do not intend to be a hermit, although I recognise I will need some time to get over the hurt and the jangled emotions - as will Liz. To this end, I may need a little space in the short term. If I don't sound too excited to be massively involved in things wright now, please don't be too let down. I think it's just a matter of time.
Once get established in the new way of living, I intend to immerse myself fully in whatever is going on, and to make as good a contribution as I can. Being single offers up so many possibilities for doing the kind of things I really want to do - and it's the stuff that reaches out to other people which interests me.
It's so easy for me to be eaten up by feelings of worthlessness and failure, but I try to grasp the positive and use it as carrot to inspire me through the dark times.
So, a look back, and a look forward. I'm sorry if you are hearing this here first here. I have tried to get round people and tell you all individually, but there are so many and it is, frankly, hard and difficult work. If you feel I chickened out by not telling you personally, then I am so sorry. Feel free to give me a hard time about it.
If you're one of the several people who have expressed to me that I do not seem to be trying too hard in my friendship with you - well, this is why. These mental struggles fill my thoughts constantly and although I am being as positive as I can - sure, I am down. That said, I don't want to be down, and I am doing everything I can to get away from it, but it remains a factor for the time being. Still, it is not forever. Don't forget that.
I've said quite enough. Feel, free to call, email or comment on this posting if you want to document your response in any way. If you yourself are contemplating divorce, or currently going through it, I'd be fascinated to hear from you.
We will get there. Thank you for the love and the experience of being married to you. It has taught me much about me.
Posted by: Liz Curtis | July 31, 2008 at 05:30 PM
Dear Andy, what a sad but honest blog. As I have said to Liz, I am sorry but also happy that you have done this in a way that allows you to try to be friends, that is really strong of you both. If anyone does say I tell you so then they are idiots, we all do the best we can at the time. You and Liz are wonderful people and will get all of the happiness you deserve.
I hope to catch up when you are feeling stronger. Take care and do whatever you need to do.
xxx
Posted by: suzy colebeck | July 31, 2008 at 06:09 PM
Oh no, how will I ever choose between the two of you, oh bugger I don't have to, WHAT...no sides to take, no nasty name calling to be done, it just doesn't seem right somehow...call this a real divorce, what are the two of you playing at?
This is so confusing.
I need a cup of tea.
So, poker night at the batchelor pad eh, does this mean we can have strippers?
Posted by: Ian | July 31, 2008 at 10:55 PM
I am in admiration of the honesty and frankness of you both and feeled honoured to be witness of such a public acknowledgement of your lives. At the risk of sounding a little deep, I realise that underneath, is a whirlwind of emotions and like weather fronts will crash into your lives intermitently, but each time you will learn when to anticipate their impending arrival and consequently you will be better prepared. I suppose my message is we just keep going and through each period of negativity, we become stronger and have a greater understanding of who we are.
Posted by: Rebecca | July 31, 2008 at 11:23 PM
Thinking of you both - I wish you all the very best wishes n the next part of your lives. I hope that the last few years have enhanced you both as people - that's what can happen when you're going through something that seems to be a mistake, but afterwards you realise that you've been left with something valuable after having gone through the experience. I think this of my short lived teaching career. There are things I know about life and myself now I wouldn't have if I hadn't gone through it, even though I sometimes wrongly assume it was a waste of time.
I hope that your relationship with Liz - and indeed others - can move on now this decision has been made, and that the next few months and indeed years will be a continuation of a fascinating and enjoyable journey for us all. The only things in life that count are relationships, I believe. Hard to get right sometimes and even at times hurtful and infuriating. But we're all in this together and I'm sure that we'll be fine if we have mutual respect and understanding.
Let's cling on to the one main positive in all of this - I won't have to move all your stuff again.
Posted by: Jason | August 01, 2008 at 08:16 AM
Hope the above misplaced attempt to be light didn't cause as much offence to you as it did to me wife.
Just to let you know that I care about you both. And I am glad that we can all get through this without having to choose sides which is usually the case.
Posted by: Ian | August 01, 2008 at 08:48 AM
Well done Andy. An honest reflection indeed. Bren and me send both you and Liz our love and friendship.
Posted by: Tim the Enchanter | August 01, 2008 at 09:09 AM
I offer this...
Ithaka
As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
Posted by: Jac | August 01, 2008 at 09:44 AM
Steve and I also want to pass on that we are thinking about you often and praying for you. Some good news - you have people who really look out for you and care very much for you both and since God has got me through a lot of awful painful 'stuff' He's just going to have to do it for you too!!
And of course if that doesn't work -
at least you'll always have Jason.
Hmmmmmm
Posted by: christine | August 04, 2008 at 09:57 PM
There are plenty more fish in the sea, Andy.
Just try and avoid a trout nibbling on your bait.
As a last resort you could always try batting for the other team.
That way it increeases your chances of finding a new lover by 50%
Posted by: Honest Tony | November 14, 2008 at 02:55 PM