I find myself feeling rather strange this evening. Nothing unusual about that, you may think, in some sort of cleverly affected comedy aside. The reason I feel strange is that a decision has been made. It is a logical decision, a sensible decision and one it is very hard to fight against. It is, none the less, a decision which affects me fundamentally and fills me with a real sense of sadness.
The reality of this last week is that I have not left the house at all. I have spent the week on the "sick". It's been a weird feeling. The realisation that actually, my leg problems have caused severe enough pain to prevent me from walking even to the bathroom without having to stop on the way to recover. It's ridiculous - but sadly true. I have not been able to sleep nights, because the downward pressure on my lower legs causes too much pain. I must, instead, wait until I am utterly exhausted in order to grab a few hours rest. This is unsustainable, at best.
In truth my productivity as a worker has been compromised for some time by pain and related issues. I have not been working as fast, or as well as I should. All the time I am distracted by the pain from my calves which attacks me 24/7/365. (No Jason, I am not a farmer) Partly through swelling, partly through whatever damage done to the nerves and tissue down there - for whatever reason, it hurts all the time, and it seems to be getting worse as I lose weight.
So, the decision had to be made to register me in the support system. It's a realistic move, to reflect where I am at at the moment. I don't like it, I hate it actually, but the reality is that it is unfair to rely totally on TL to provide everything - and I am not in a position at the moment to be completely self-reliant. I suppose it is time to get real, on every level, and live my life as it is. I don't want to be trapped here forever - and I never wanted to be branded "disabled" or "in-valid", but things are as they are for the moment. It is time to get a bit of practical help. I'm not sure exactly what is on offer, but I will find out. I might even let you know.
Let's hope the good people at Chester enjoy reading about my life, as defined in 50 pages of questions. Is even 50 enough to sum up the richness of a person's existence? What's that I hear - you could manage with 2?
Honestly.
I think 'giving in', is not actually doing anything and I see no sign of that here. You are doing what works not only for you, but your family, no-one can ask more of you than that. Best of luck with the paperwork.
Posted by: Rebecca | March 03, 2008 at 02:03 PM
Brave decision...even braver to share here - even though we are without exception fine people :-)
Hard to look at your life this way, Andy... tough to write it out in 50 pages... thinking that is how some may define you from now on.
Not disabled - just - differently abled :-) We are all differently abled in all things. Just that yours is easier to see/feel and bloody unfair to be accompanied by such pain. So unfair that as you lose weight it seems to be worsening - any medical reason for this or just - shitty luck?
Posted by: Jac | March 03, 2008 at 05:40 PM
And definately never in-valid!
Posted by: Joss | March 03, 2008 at 09:56 PM
Can I continue giving you bed baths daily, or am I NOT NEEDED ANY MORE?!!
Posted by: Jason | March 04, 2008 at 07:59 AM
Jason, Jason, we will always need you. I'm actually building up to needing bed baths myself once we have the "help" in for Andy.
Posted by: Liz Curtis | March 04, 2008 at 03:42 PM
Andy thats what the system is there for,use it. I felt ashamed when I came out of the army and had to ask for the form at my local Job centre, not any more. Hold your head high my friend
Posted by: Barry | March 05, 2008 at 04:38 PM