I went to church this morning and was surprised at how much it made me think. Maybe because I have issues with forgiveness, or simply because I had not properly thought it through. I dunno. Either way, I’ll stick some of it down here, because thinking aloud has always helped me.
When someone does something unfair, unkind or plain nasty it is natural to feel pain and hurt. The real problem seems to be what happens after that, because thinking about those bad things leads us to feel bitterness and resentment. The more we turn it over in our minds, the worse it gets. The only problem is that it is ourselves we are hurting.
Nelson Mandela famously said this:
“Resentment is like a poison we drink in the hope that it will kill someone else.”
For me, forgiveness is not about letting people get away scot free with what they have done. It is more about me freeing myself from the grip of bitterness and resentment that I feel.
I no longer believe that my forgiveness is dependant on the expressed regret of the person who has wronged me - that’s their business, and I have no intention of letting them control my life in that way. My capacity to move on and be happy should not rest on whether they truly apologise. Life’s too short for that.
Some things take time to heal - but surely that’s normal. I think there is danger in not letting go of something until someone comes up with the response we are looking for. In my case, I strongly suspect that if they did, it would never be good enough for me anyway.
What happened, happened. Nothing can change that, and it really is time to move on. Forgiveness, for me, has not been a decisive act of will, it has been a gradual working through combined with a decision to lose the bitterness and resentment.
Maybe these thoughts will help you too.
[Pamphlet Number 1 - DONE]
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