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ACEROPHOBIA - Fear of sourness
These poor folk have to go around with a taster, requiring everything they taste to be checked for sourness. Even the tiniest hint of sourness in the air, like when a TV researcher weeps, can send them into fits of uncontrollable sobbing and maybe make them poo.
You Should Be a Science Fiction Writer
Your ideas are very strange, and people often wonder what planet you're from. And while you may have some problems being “normal,” you'll have no problems writing sci-fi. Whether it's epic films, important novels, or vivid comics...
Your own little universe could leave an important mark on the world!
The Queen of Englandfordshire is 80 years old today.
Never knowingly sexy, the Queen has been our monarch for over sixteen years now. I, for one, like her and wish her all the best as she glides gracefully into seniority.
When she finally does reach those pearly gates, I bet St. Peter is simply dying to ask her:
“What do you do?”, listening to the inevitable reply and then cheerfully responding: “How interesting.”
Let's hope that's not anytime soon.
Long Live The Queen!
ACAROPHOBIA - Fear of skin infestation by mites and ticks
This is a very real condition, and one that leads sufferers to all kinds of extreme reactions, such as the wearing of polythene bags, wrapping in cling-film, and in extreme cases listening to the Terry Wogan show.
You may already know this site - heck, you might already be a contributor. Maybe several times.
Cripes - you may be the ONLY contributor, spending all your days sending in home-made postcards with secrets written on them so that some wealthy guy in the USA can post them on his site, whilst chuckling at how sad you are.
He's actually gone further, and released a book which can be acquired on Amazon. So, sure, he's making money out of his idea, but the people who send in their secrets to him Anonymously get something too. They get a kind of weird cyber-absolution, and maybe a sense hat they have shared their secret in a completely safe way.
Anyhow, take a look at these, and maybe visit the site for more. I find these cards sad, depressing and uplifting in some cases. In general, I am attracted to things which reach below the surface of me and make me feel real emotions.
On that level, the site is a winner.
Today's inceptual phobia is one I suffer from myself:
PORPHYROPHOBIA - The morbid fear of the colour purple
OK, Jason, you're on.
Everyone sing along, I think I am correct in assuming that the tune is all but irrelevant, as Alan himself barely sings one.
With extensive and heartfelt apologies to any who know not or like not Green Wing. To all others, please enjoy this carefully extracted feast. Thanks to Louise for working so hard with me on this.
Dr. Alan Statham’s Alphabet Song - In Full
[Scene opens with Alan in the Chinese take-away.]
A is for Apendectomy
B is for Barium
C’s for Cystitis
Defibrilate’s for D
(That’s how it goes)
E is for Echocardiagraphy
(It’s quite complex, isn’t it?)
F’s the fucking director
G is for Gob-shite
H-h-h-He-He-Hee is bastard (and)
I is bloody pissed off
J is for Jiggly Jugs (and..nd)
K is for Kicking Arse (and..nd)
Ladylips is L
Nnnn...Mmmmm..mmmm...nn..Nnn - Oh!
Penis is for P
Q is for queer (no, no I’m not queer, not me)
R is for rectum
S is for Shits and Slits (and)
Tiny tits is T (and..nd)
U is a bastard! (and)
V is for Vagina
(Nnnn....errrrrr..)
V..W...X..W... is for Wanky Wank
Y-Fronts is for Y
X-Ray is for...um...Z
(Don’t push me)
And Oh! - A’s an Arsehole
B is a bastard....
[Alan trails off, now fully ejected from the Chinese take-away.]
...or not.
I simply hate Combi boilers. Heralded as the answer to our hot water and heating needs, I have yet to witness one that actually does its job properly. Usually, they manage to frustrate me at every twist and turn.
Let's look at the claims:
1) Eco-friendly and Energy Efficient.
In a spirit of fairness and love, I have to concede that many of these boilers are quite cheap to run.
2) A constant supply of hot water.
J'accuse. Whether it's a dribble of hot water, or a stream of tepid water or a burst of blindingly hot water followed by minute after minute of almost cold water - whatever the unfortunate combination the Combi rarely fails to disappoint.
What really gets my goat is that they work in reverse. A Combi boiler can start off really hot - as soon as the tap is turned, and then go stone cold after a few seconds. How does it do this? How can it store the hot hot water IN the tap?
Other times, no matter how much huffing and puffing you hear from the the little beast in the corner, the water never comes hot at all.
The upshot is that whenever I approach a hot tap, I usually end up not getting what I want.
Oh no! - are you thinking: “Well, we've got one and it isn't too bad...”
Perhaps we should start wanting stuff that is really really good? What is it with the English anyway?
Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!
I'm sorry, I'm too upset to continue.
Look closely, how many men are there before and after the switch?
(and what the heck is going on here?)
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