Differences in personality

I have long been of the opinion that different people are different with different people.

Recent events and experiences have backed up this theory to the hilt.

Have you ever been shocked, when going to a friend's house for the first time, to see how they treat other family members? I certainly have been.

My friend invited me back for a meal one time. I thought of her as gentle, mild mannered and very feminine - yet as soon as she entered her house she become a different person entirely. She shouted, nay, screamed at her sister, and spoke angrily to her parents - demanding to know when tea would be ready.

She then turned to me and fluttered a winsome smile in my direction, before enquiring: “Would you like a drink?”

It was as if she thought I had not witnessed any of the other things that had happened, and it puzzled me. Her relationships at home were a complete blind spot to her, and yet her relationship with me was so very different.

In the end, I plucked up courage to ask her why this was. She struggled with her reply, having not thought about it at all up till that moment. She ended up saying that she just felt different with me.

Now, that was a long time ago, and I was on 18 at the time, but I think that I assessed that situation wrongly at the time. I thought that when she got to know me better she would start to relate to me in the same way that she did with her family.

I may have been wrong.

I am discovering that people are different, according to who they are with. Really different - not just putting on a show. The relationship between two people is generated by the way those two personalities collide - and whilst the individual people are the same as ever, that collision defines the interaction.

In real terms, I discover that I am a radically different person with different people - and this can cause problems socially. There are some people with whom I swear continually, or joke in a particular way. Some people see the mild and understanding side of me (stop laughing), others see me in a variety of different ways, as defined by circumstance and personality.

Put them all together, and it causes a degree of puzzlement. How often have you heard someone say: “You go stupid when you're with him” or some such sentiment?

All of that is fair enough, and pretty easy to gain agreement on, but can it go deeper? Can we actually be different people with different people?

I don't believe anyone can fundamentally change their personality, but a different primary relationship can cause one to act and react differently. Most would agree that different people bring out either the best or the worst in a person.

Now, I'm not sure, but I would be delighted to see that this new relationship that I am in would bring out the best in me. There are parts of my personality of which I am not proud, and that I would be happy to see de-emphasised. Naturally, there is no magic wand, and personal development comes after lots of hard work - but who's to say that a healthy relationship might not be the key to a change.

I certainly hope so.

Comments

[Rebecca]

Yes.

[AndyC]

R - It's the comment I could and would have made to such a long post. Perfect.

Thank you.

[Jason]

I have to agree with what you say, and I also have to admit that my own personality has a different emphasis for different people or situations. But I think that all but the most egotistical and self-absorbed people are also able to adapt in this way. I don't think it's a weakness of character - I see it as an opportunity to present an aspect of yourself that is most appropriate or effective according to your context. I have thought of this negatively when I see it in myself - which I do. I think I'm a chameleon - but I also find that as I get older the differences in my various personalities are converging. Perhaps I'm just getting lazier - or perhaps it's being a bit more confident. I'm a people-pleaser too, and sometimes think that I live a little too much for other people, but I don't want to change, because that's part of who I am. I just have to be aware that it's sometimes easy to forget about myself and my own needs, and that's not good either. I'd rather be that way than just self-obsessed though. It's a case of striking a comfortable balance, and being yourself as much as possible, whilst also being someone who can fit into a situation well, and accommodate behaviours that are especially appropriate to specific situations.

[Liz Marshall]

I think you are talking about two different things. I agree with Jason in what he has to say about relating to other people. I see that as a totally necessary adaptability which enables us to make good, useful, supportive relationships.
I think Andy is also making another point about the main relationships or even relationship in our lives. I spent many years with my ex. We didn't bring the best out in each other at all. It wasn't really a partnership and the relationship fell apart as time went by. Now I feel I am in a partnership.

[Louise]

I agree and it intrigues me... ooo psychology and sociology all at once!
I would also say that my mum has changed lots. It took a while to get to know her again when she and my dad split... then there has been more changes since her relationship with you started to develop. I'm not sure the changes have been so noticeable to others, but I live with her, but then maybe she is different with me too!

[christine]

First of all I'm so pleased you haven't been to our house before you made this comment - ahem! Secondly I don't know many people who are the same all the time with everybody and anybody. It also depends on 'being on your own territory' or how intimidating certain people are etc. Goodness me Jason - perhaps I don't know you at all - how scary.