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December 10, 2004



I have no idea what is going on here - I have absolutely no recollection of the above picture being taken. I have never in my life dressed as an umpire or any other sporting official. On the night in question I was several miles away at a charity egg-boil, and all I can remember is a slight struggle, then nothing. The next I knew I was coming to in the car park of St Mark's URC, Boldon Colliery, with superficial bruising to my knees and a taste of stumps in my mouth. The police have been informed, but were rather dismissive, to be honest with you. I have downloaded the above picture as evidene, and will be taking the matter further with members of the Women's Institute, who, because of the as yet unresolved events of that evening, have still been unable to resolve any commonly agreed on marking for the event, and the first prize of an aluminium milk pan remains unclaimed. Needless to say, the charity did not fare well, and as a result, countless elderly citizens in the Boldon Colliery area will go without underwear this Christmas. Just think about that when you're stuffing your turkey.

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