Jam Tomorrow?

“Your reward is in heaven”

So stated my smug Sunday School teacher. Already I was suspicious. I was only nine years old, but I was of the opinion that this neat explanation for why life had to be hard, stank to high heaven. It seemed to say:

“The christian life is really really hard, and you will never actually have fun - but don't worry. After you die, it'll be great.”

I wasn't old enough to have even considered dying, so the carrot she dangled had no relevance or meaning to me. However, the first part did. It rang very true indeed to me. My life really was hard, full of unfairness and crazy things which I didn't understand. The explanations I got from my parents, particularly my mother, were surprisingly similar:

“I know you don't really understand what's happening right now, but one day - when you're older - I'll explain it to you.”

There was never an age set on this state of “being older”, just the annoying truth that it certainly was not going to be anytime soon. Now that I am fully grown (and then some) I can authoritatively report that she never did tell me. I found out some stuff from other people and some things have come out in conversation, but she never came good on her promise to give me a full explanation of all the madness.

What she did do, at every available opportunity, was impress upon me the need to follow christian teachings to the letter. She taught me how awful a sinner I was and how far short I fell of God's standard. She loaded me up with guilt. I grew up, constantly scared about each rule I might break, and frequently did break. When I was miserable, it was put to me that I really should be miserable, because of all the bad things I did. My only hope, I was told, was to pray to God to forgive me.

It's little wonder that, as I grew up and moved away from home, I pretty much gave up on religion. I associated it with all that had been bad in my life, and I was glad to be rid of it.

So how come I am still involved in church, and stuff?  It's a very good question, and one which I have often asked myself. I certainly don't buy into the puritanical and largely hypocritical dogma that surrounded me as a child, but I just cannot shake off the fact that there is a spiritual part of me which needs to be satisfied. When I pray to God, I feel like He really is there. It feels right.

I'd be the first to admit that the established church may not be doing a very good job of helping us to get in touch with God, but I do believe that it's a worthwhile goal. Who knows, God may be sat up there in heaven, with His head in His hands, almost in despair, saying: “    You      just      don't      get      it !      ”

Well, maybe we don't. Maybe I still don't. All I know is that when I do bother to do boring stuff like read some of the Bible, or pray for those around me, I find that I receive an inner strength and a feeling of optimism that I can attain no other way. Over these last few years when I really have been through the mill, one way or another, I doubt if I would have emerged quite so optimistic if it were not for my faith. Time after time I have found that the christianity that once I almost hated, has helped me to cope with life a heck of a lot better.

Not just jam tomorrow. Jam today.

Comments

[Cal]

Jammin' in the name of The Lord? :-)

[AndyC]

Cue: Basil Brush - "Boom, Boom!"

[karrie]

This example from your life helps us to see that what we present to the world is what people think Christianity is. It puts a responsibility onto us in some ways because we are the shop window of the faith we follow. In other ways we do not need to feel a weight of responsibility because if we allow God to work through us we show faith simply by being ourselves.

I think it is an incredible testament to the love of God for you that although as a child what you encountered was a bit like seeing Christianity in a hall of mirrors i.e. the image was based on the original but unrecogniseable in parts, you have been able to go back the original and find it's value for yourself.

[AndyC]

Thanks for your comment, Karrie.

I never intended to talk about religion much on this blog - but I suppose that is unrealistic, as faith is part of my life - and I do intend to talk about my life.

I like that this entry helped me to realise why faith is still important to me, despite everything. I hate that some people will have now judged me as a religious bore, or something.

To those people I say: So I do a little praying now and then. It's OK, I can handle it. :)

[Jen]

This a really great post, with many good points. **** Kudos! I have to agree with you in regards to the organized church. They aren't doing a good job. But, perhaps if you look at it a different way... the church is the body of Christ, and we are the body.. so if the church isn't doing a good job, that means WE aren't doing a good job as witnesses for him. Eh? I'm not trying to take blame upon myself, however, we are all responsible for our own relationship with God... no one else can have that relationship with Him for us... we need to reach out to the dying and lost world... So how do we reach them we ask?

Love. Grace. Forgiveness. By example.