Undecided, that's me.
When I originally started this blog, I did so with a happy heart and every good intention of being completely open and honest, no matter what. The reason for that was that I was safe and secure in the knowledge that almost no-one read it.
As of now, I can name over twenty people that I know of who read from time to time, and a solid core who read whenever I put pen to paper. [insert typing joke HERE] As my feelings get ever more candid in their expression here, I have started to wonder if this is an appropriate place to vent my spleen on more personal matters.
It's fine whilst I am taking a swipe at the Royal Mail - goodness knows, they deserve it - but what if I am sharing my most personal thoughts about me and what is going on in my head? Is this really the place to tell all?
Probably not. So why do I do it? I have wondered about this at some length. It's pretty obvious that I am not really keeping a diary here, I am engaging in a form of communication, and that communication has a lot to do with the people I know who read. I would like to say unconsciously, but increasingly it is consciously I am writing the things I want people to know. So, if my health is bad, I post here to tell folks that I may not be in touch or that they should expect me not to turn up at their event.
Is this bad? Is it a way of avoiding certain difficult conversations, especially when it involves letting someone down?
These are very good questions - and they have a lot to do with you, whoever you are. Why are you here? Is it to check how I am doing? Is it to learn if you might expect a visit sometime soon? Is it because the soap opera of my life is interesting?
I suppose it is all of those things, to varying degrees. As a method of communication, it probably says more than the hurried phone call. It gives you a real idea of where I am at. As a documentary of my life, it probably fails miserably, but that doesn't bother me too much. As I think about it, the thing I most want to communicate to those who care at all, is that there is a "me" beyond the setting in which you see me. I also hope that there will come a time when I can look back through these entries and trace a path of progression. I'd like to see me growing and changing as a person, which is another reason that if I am to do this at all, it must contain some of this navel-gazing.
Actually, it's a lie. I am not undecided at all. I just realised. Of course I will continue Blogging, I just needed to consider why for a moment, and maybe re-focus what I say a little. I also wanted you out there to know that it is scary sharing in such a public way. It scares me more than I generally admit, but I do it because I think it is a worthwhile exercise, and one that ultimately benefits me.
Bored with all that? Yeah, I quite understand. Still you made it to the end of the entry. Give yourself a gold star.
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