It would take someone staggeringly unobservant to fail to notice that I am a man who is not currently blessed with what could be truthfully described as a "trim figure". It would be much fairer to say that my body takes over where obese leaves off.
Fear not. This is not going to be some grand exercise in self-hate - tempting though that is. I suppose I wanted to write about this subject, simply because I feel able to. The reason I feel able to is that I am currently embarking on what may well end up being a life-changing plan to correct this situation.
This is not some mad-cap diet idea fuelled by guilt and self-loathing, it is one of the results of my attempts to generically "get my shit together". This holistic approach has already yielded many benefits in other areas of my life. So much so, that the weight issue is pretty conspicuous by its lack of inclusion. This is now changing.
Please don't think, even for a second, that I think I am perfect, or even anywhere near. I am not, and never will be. I would prefer to look at it from the negative side, moving toward the positive. I am now less rubbish than I was - and I welcome that. A big part of this has been going for counselling and facing the things which stand in my way. It's not for everyone, but for me it has opened the door to personal development, something which I welcome.
Being as big as I am, it's unwise to talk about personal development, because people cannot help but look at my size and see it as the first thing that should be sorted if I am to make any claims at all. Having said that, for me to realistically approach weight loss, it is vital that I do not do it as a response to external pressure.
So I find myself doing this because I have a basic need not to continue hurting myself in this way. My attitudes to food, and my usage of it is beginning to change. Every day is a battle. When I am out and about, the chip-shops and kebab houses seem to mock me in a kind of "we'll get you in the end" sort of a way. I try to ignore the voices.
I am helped and supported by those around me, and also my excellent new doctor - to whom I am already deeply grateful. I sense in people an eagerness for me to succeed, but in those closest to me, perhaps a little of "I'll believe it when I see it" and maybe "I wonder if it will last?". I really don't blame them, because really it is me who is asking those questions as well. As the old adage goes - "one day at a time".
The prize is a very great one. Winning it would truly transform my life.
The first marker is in three months time. I'll let you know.
A very mature and balanced piece - it's great to hear you talking like this, bless you. I'm with you all the way, supporting in any way I can. I've got a genuine feeling that you've turned a corner in the last couple of weeks, and I wish you all the best. I think you've got the strength and determination to do this. God bless.
Posted by: Jason | June 26, 2004 at 10:53 AM
A brave piece too! Not easy to say the things you've said. I will do my utmost to silence the voices of those offending institutions ...... There! My thoughts for your continued success are with you. My relief at your finding a new doctor was immense, yours must have been awesome.
Posted by: Liz | June 26, 2004 at 11:06 AM
Weigh to go Andy!...
Posted by: Tim Sokell | July 01, 2004 at 10:34 AM