AndyBlog

Weighty Matters

It would take someone staggeringly unobservant to fail to notice that I am a man who is not currently blessed with what could be truthfully described as a "trim figure". It would be much fairer to say that my body takes over where obese leaves off.

Fear not. This is not going to be some grand exercise in self-hate - tempting though that is. I suppose I wanted to write about this subject, simply because I feel able to. The reason I feel able to is that I am currently embarking on what may well end up being a life-changing plan to correct this situation.

Ways to begin a difficult lecture...

If occurred to me that people who have a talk to present, usually look for a humorous beginning. It get's the audience relaxed and makes way for a good lecture or talk.

I've been at a few in my time, however, where the only person who thought the link was clever or funny, was the lecturer themselves. This set me thinking - what are the worst ways to attempt a nice link-in to tricky subject matter. Here are my first two thoughts:

One

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the North-East's first ever virginity seminar. It's lovely to see you all here tonight, and thanks for asking me to present this talk.

I received a package from Viking Direct, the mail order stationary company, the other day - and I glanced at the packaging, noticing that it bore the words: "tamper evident opening". And, you know, it put me in mind of our subject here, tonight.....etc."

Two

"I was leafing through a newspaper the other day, and I had it in mind to look through the adverts - and as I did, I noticed one which bore the strap line: "Your business is our pleasure." These comforting words put me in mind of our own field of work. As workers in the sewage industry, we.......etc."

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Oh yeah, I can hear you. "That /so/ isn't funny." But I bet you notice next time one of those presents itself. Look for advertising slogans.

Peeling Skin...

Mmmm....salty....yeah...ohhh....that's a keeper....

Imagine there's no Emma....

It's easy if you try.

Poor Emma - guilty of nothing more than being utterly uncontrolled and irretrievably brainless. That sounds quite negative, but what she actually does for me is make me smile. Every time I look at her. She's great. No-one could be more honest and up-front about life. She's so joyous when good things happen, and so obviously sad when bad things happen. No fakery, no airs, no graces.

I suspect we all have much learn from her approach to life. As we pile on layer after layer of control and accommodation, do we actually sacrifice that all important genuiness? I suspect we might. There is certainly a balance to be found.

I hope Emma's happy on the outside, and that she doesn't become too bitter at being the first housemate to be evicted after doing very little wrong and not being the subject of a public vote. She deserves better than this. I hope that life treats her better than Big Brother did.

Zero Pineapple Content

Try to relax. The pineapple thing is over. No more silly talk along those lines.

OK, maybe it's time for a little heartwarming honesty.

I think I'm pretty lonely at the moment. Not that there's no-one to talk to, although Fiona has been away a lot and others I speak to regularly are either away for the weekend or on holiday at the moment. I think the feeling of loneliness comes more from not being properly inserted into the hubbub which is normally my life.

I am avoiding anything which involves me being called out, as driving is a very tricky and dangerous endeavour at the moment. I have cancelled all my usual activities which involve attending anything - like playing at church, for example. I have even discouraged all but my closest friends from calling here. I just can't face the stress of pretending to OK in order to make them feel better.

So, I am in a strange sort of limbo. Sure, I can do work as and when I feel able, but I also spend a significant amount of time during the day asleep - very unlike me. I'd love to be able to say that I've been doing a lot of thinking, but I don't think that's true either. Such thinking as I have been doing has been rather negative.

Time for a change of attitude, whatever it takes.

I think I need to somehow get out and do something. Not sure what yet, but my brain is ticking.

Anyway, thanks for listening again - I feel you've helped me. :)

Liz's Pineapple pictures...

Yes - these are Liz's pineapple pictures. Make of them what you will.

A whole, actual, pineapple.

Many years ago, before very much had happened in my little life, at a time when milk bottles looked big and piano teachers smelled funny, my mother arrived home one day with possibly the strangest thing I had ever seen. It had masses of weird green stuff at the top and a strange nobbly skin which tapered slightly at the bottom. I reached out and touched it all over, fascinated by the interesting textures of the skin and I noted, also, the strong earthy smell which was rapidly filling the room.

It was, of course, my aunt Bessie, come to stay with us for a few weeks. Dying her hair green was just part of a behavioural pattern which was putting her at some considerable risk, so we got to look after her whilst she "got better". Not many weeks, or years after this incident, my mother bought a fresh pineapple, and I remembered all of this because, yesterday, someone mindspewingly generous bought me a fresh pineapple. A whole one.

We've had them before, mind - but they have never been /mine/ before. I now have the interesting task of deciding whether to eat it, or whether to deal with its mental health problems. I suppose it all hinges on whether it made its own leaves go green. Or something.

In fact, looking back on it, not much has changed over the years. Whole pineapples are always fantastic fun, I still like touching the skin of strange looking women, and piano teachers rarely fail to smell funny.

PS I'm fine. Pills working well...

Drugs

So, this is my first blog entry for a while. I was thinking of apologising in some way, but decided against it. The situation is this: I have been ill with this thing much longer than ever before - and in more pain for longer than ever before. I am sick of posting downbeat blog entries and so I decided to leave it till things got better.

I am feeling less pain now. This, in theory, is great - although I have had to sacrifice a certain amount of my ability to think clearly as a result. It's a worthwhile trade-off, because the pain reduction is so wonderful.

I use this, and take some of these to back those up.... and then some of these things to complete the brew. Excellent.

Please - any doctors/medical knowledged individuals, I don't think it would help me to hear your disapproval at these incorrect/inappropriate drug choices. It's working for me, in the short term. :)

The sordid update: The boil on my foot is now nearly healed and feels a lot better. The much bigger (and un-photographed for reasons of taste) boil on my right calf has now burst and is seeping a lot of puss. Lots of pain from this. The overall cellulitis has regressed considerably, much to my relief.

I have also managed to change my doctor. Given how uncomfortable I was with my last doctor, this is fantastic news. My new doctor does some radical stuff - like treating me as a real person and thinking of my needs. It's very refreshing to see real concern in this way. I am both surprised and humbled.

The future: I can now consider doing some work again, because the pain killers mess with my mind less than the pain did. This opens the door to getting back to the basic stuff of running my life and business.

Today, Jason is coming over to help with the video project, back from when we shot the band playing at the Derwent Manor Hotel. This should be fun.

I should go now and wait for the opioids to kick in....

Our way versus God's way...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Today's Unfortunate...

CNPS: 0 (5)

Weather:
The muggyness of the last few days seems to be over, at least for now. I'm enjoying the freshness.

Mood:
Down and apprehensive, bordering on scared.

Enjoying:
Marmite. I've been a marmite lover all my life, but this salty spread has been my saviour these last few days. Whenever I've needed to eat something, yet not known what - out comes the marmite. A truly great comfort food.

Andy's Thought for the day:
I'll just say this: Don't be afraid to say something real today. Just one time, resist the flippant response and say something from the heart. You'll be glad you did.

Next nice thing:
Final Cut notwithstanding... I really just want to get better.

Pain: 99.9% - Maybe higher. Back to the screaming.

Other comments:
The word "premature" is haunting me a little. No, this is not some form of sexual revelation, my claims about being "back" and in the final stages of this malady are the subject matter. My foot continues to improve, but something ominous seems to be brewing in my leg. The bright redness and burning is back and the underlying pain is massive. It could still be something and nothing, but I'm worried. I want to be free.