AndyBlog

Christmas Greetings, and stuff...

I awoke today to the smell of autumn, but with the unmistakeable chill of Winter in the air. This evening, it could easily have been bonfire night, but for the crispness. The air was full of moisture and it was almost magical the way the lights in the street were etched out, each with their own misty glow. I started to think about what to give people this year or Christmas. This lead me along the path of thinking about people.

Thinking about it - I do know some great people. I will not be making much of a show of Christmas this year, but I do, nonetheless, wish everyone a great holiday time - and I look forward heartily to the celebrations I shall be enjoying. Seeing as this is my first Christmas away from Liz - it will be a little muted, but that is only right and fitting.

The only thought I would proffer - in terms of advice this Christmas - is “Try to remember that Christmas is far more about people than it is about things.”

You can have what you think of as your best ever Christmas with a can of beans and four slices of bread. Heck, that kind of paucity makes a time like Christmas unbelievably good. How many times have you had such wonderful presents for people that you were convinced they would bring happiness - only to be surprised and somewhat crestfallen when the gifts were received with only moderate approval? Have you ever laid on a tremendous banquet for your visitors - only to be let down that the night was not a success? I have. I often try too hard at entertaining - over-provide food, embarrass people with too much “stuff” of all kinds.

When things truly succeed is when my heart is in the right place - when I am not in a state - when I can welcome people with a real genuine smile.

So - what's your best piece of Christmas advice for us all to relish?

Into every rain, a little life must fall

Probably the easiest way to return to blogging after a long'ish gap is just to dive right in with little apology. That said, I do need to utter a word of thanks to you. Yes, you. You know who you are. You have checked this blog every day for months now. You're sick of those silly chinese letters - sick of wondering what they mean, and if they carry some secret message which may, in some way, explain the lack of blog entries here for the last few months.

The simple answer is that I don't remember what they mean either. I did know at one time, but I have forgotten. I'm pretty sure it was a cynical thing - and that they may stand for happiness or some such. The truth is that I have been more depressed in recent months than ever before.

No doubt you have noticed- those of you that know me - that it has been hard to get through to me on the phone, or to get through to me using any method. Even talking directly to my face wasn't always a guarantee of success.

I am happy to report that certainly the worst of it is now over. I feel the life returning into my brain, the heavy cloud lifting a little. I see little chinks of light here and there. It's quite a relief to see that the world is not as my brain was telling me. I bet many of you have dealt with depression in some form or other, so you'll know what I mean. I have to say that it shocked me. I am so used to being able to raise myself and put on a decent front in public. It took this bout of depression to demonstrate to me that sometimes it is impossible to show a cheerful face to the world. Sometimes one is so crushed by a feeling that nothing is possible. Nothing at all. It's been a salutory lesson for me - and one that enables me to understand depression a great deal better, and those of us who suffer it - for I must now count myself amongst that number.

In other news...

I had a birthday. I'm not entirely sure how old I am now, but Liz sometimes reminds me - more out of fun than anything else because I think she knows I will forget almost immediately.

Jason brought me this delightful cake, which I ate almost immediately - chocolates first, of course.

I also received a most amazing present from jason - my very own Ukulele. I am amazed and delighted by this wonderful present. It is, without doubt, the most delightful and sonorous Uke I have ever had the pleasure of owning.

It's a real joy to play and the sound is crisp, offering lots of rich sustain to every note - quite rare in all but the most expensive Ukes. In short, I am bowled over by this expansive gift, and I promise to practice the Uke fairly hard for quite a while as my way of showing how grateful I am. Thank you Jason.

In other gratitude...

My wonderful friends who have graciously given me the space I needed to get through this - yet made it abundantly clear they were there for me at any time. I love you people so much, and I count myself very fortunate to have such sensitive and caring friends.

Massive gratitude to my band “Soul Doubt”. There have been two or three gigs over this period and my leg pain situation has been more pronounced of late, making carrying gear all but impossible - especially whilst walking with a stick most times now. Those guys have helped me so well - they made it possible for me to play gigs that otherwise would have been completely beyond me. Words cannot express my gratitude.

I think I'll leave it there. I'll write some more soon.

Tricky Posting

I've always had a side of me that needs to be public. Right now, that side has deserted me, so I am forcing myself to do this. Big stuff is happening in my life - challenging stuff, on all fronts. Here's what those things are:

1) Health - I'm quite worried. I'm experiencing significant difficulties right now with my leg condition. Probably worse than I have led you to believe. I don't really want to say more than that - except, perhaps, that it has become a big challenge right now.

2) Mental State - I'm more concerned than I have ever been about this. I apologise publicly to all who feel I am shunning them and locking myself away. No, you're not imagining it - I really am doing this. It's not to do with me not liking you any more. It's to do with me being really depressed and going inside myself. At present, the thought of meeting up with anyone, or even going out is a matter of considerable stress. This has big implications, and I need to find a way round it. Regrettably, there are only a very few people I can spend time with right now. Please don't take it personally, I beg you. I will come through this in a little while, I know I will.

3) Divorce - Divorce is never a small issue, and I have had a double dose of it in short order. Arguably, I never properly got over my first divorce before marrying and subsequently being divorced from Liz. I have two pieces of paper that say I am divorced from these people, yet I still care for both, even though I am not in touch with Fiona at all now. Make not mistake - divorce messes with ones head, it is not good. It affects one comprehensively, and rocks everything.

4) Living Alone - I have to figure out how to do this. I have been fortunate in having wives who handled the stuff I struggle with. Being number-phobic is not as funny as some think. Sure, it is funny to laugh at me weeping because I can't handle thinking too much about numbers, but there is a serious side as well. This is just one of the challenges that living alone throws up. The other is managing to have enough money to do it. Another might be physically managing to do all the jobs required. The list gets quite long.

5) There is no five - because I do worry about being lonely. I discover I am just fine on my own and I am not craving companionship. Maybe that will come in time. I'll let you know.

So there it is. A decidedly downbeat posting - but I really did want to mark rock bottom in some way. I value this experience highly, as it gives me a real insight into the feelings surrounding depression. I believe this will aid me very much in getting alongside other people going through similar in the future. For this, I am grateful. For now, I am holding tight.

Things always get better, right?

PON News

Rebecca does her best, despite a huge crowd of ugly children demanding entry

It's every retailer's worst nightmare - a totally full-on assault on the "three children or less" rule. I watched for all of 15 minutes as Rebecca skillfully negotiated with them - finally getting them to leave without calling the police. I observed her, some moments later, looking frail, exhausted and in general need of some wealthier clients.

She is expected to make a full recovery.

Grocery Shopping #1

Does anyone know if Russel Brand visited the USA shortly before starting to write his 'Booky Wook" ?

So, after almost solid sleep for a few days, I finally went grocery shopping. I'll tell you all about it later, as Bonnie, my glamorous hostess/guide/mentor/fontfallknowledgeabouttheUSA, is about to take me out to see some stuff.

I like stuff, don't you?

Laters. (as I am increasingly struggling to remember to say)

Time for some serious updating...

OK, listen up, friends... I'm going to try and update you on a few things. Some big things, some little things. Here's the twist, though, I'm not going to tell you which is which. You decide.

1) Eurovision - I didn't even watch it this year, for a variety of reasons. The simple fact is that I doubt I missed much. As long as the rest of "Europe" insists on making this a place for political point scoring it ceases to be fun for me. Time was when the ability of a nation to come up with a great pop song which caught the imagination of people across Europe was the defining factor in whether or not they won the competition. I'm not sure that has been completely true for a number of years.

2) Football - I am anything but a football enthusiast, but it does annoy me, nonetheless, when teams constantly sack managers. Most notable recently has been the manager of Chelsea, who, despite winning more matches than his predecessor, was summarily fired. I have yet to work out what his crime was. If winning football matches and generally doing well are not enough to keep a manager his job then I must confess to something approaching total bemusement.

3) Politics - It's OK, I haven't taken leave of my senses. :) No politics comments here. I promise.

4) Music - My dead period with music continues. In a desperate bid to kick myself into musical gear I have set about recording a cover version. A very nice tune indeed, one that genuinely inspires me. Or would, were my life a little more like I imagine what normal could be.

5) Holidays - I'm still hoping against hope to make it over to the blissful isolation of Tiree this summer, but before that I have an exciting addition to my vacational plans. I am going to that Amercia - the northern bit. No, no all of it, that would take forever, I have instead selected a tiny part of the USA - one big enough to hold me, and one largely on the ground floor. Maryland is where it be, and I will go to there at mid June. Sadly, I will only be staying for a month. I will enjoy every comfort while I am away, so I don't want any of you to worry about me struggling on my own in the warm sunshine with beautiful forest all around me. I'll be fine. It will be a great way for me to relax, chill-out and get a handle on the true meaning of my existence. I don't know, however, whether I will be able to renew my "No twinky" promise this time. I'll think about it.

6) Gin - Looking in the drinks cupboard recently, having let a couple of limes rot to soggy in the fruit bowl, I discovered that rather than the "none at all" amount of gin which I thought was stocked, the level was more akin to "a large bottle of the finest Gin known to man". The thing is, I have no limes now. So that elusive G & T continues to be.....erm....elusive, a little while longer. Ah life...such big issues to deal with all the time. Gotta love it.

7) Freecyle - Or Freecyle guilt. Having benefitted recently from two Sky Digiboxes, a breakfast bar, two bookcases and various other bits and pieces, I now feel unable to put my hand up for anything else until I have given a bit more myself. How do YOU deal with YOUR Freecycle guilt?

Actually, I think that's enough for you all to read today. It may be too much in some cases, mainly due to the outright shock of seeing an actual posting. Deep breaths...

The more I change...

...the more I stay the same.

I have some news, friends. I have changed my name!

It's been a long time coming and perhaps some of you didn't think I would actually get round to this, but I have finally done it and from now on you can all call me by new new name:

ANDY CURTIS

First of all, I hope you like it. It took me a while to decide on this name - and I wanted to get the mix of old and new just right. So, to be fair, i took the name "Andy" from my current forenames - and the name "Curtis" from my current surname. I figured this would give a feeling of continuity.

I know what you're thinking - it isn't very different, is it? Well, no, it isn't. That's the point really. It is exactly what and who I am. My middle name has gone, and my forename is "Andy" - being the shortened version of my original name "Andrew". From now on, I can say with some justification that my name IS Andy Curtis.

At the doctors. When I am in court. On my passport. In hospital. With the Police. At the drugs rehabilitation centre. At the Dentist's...etc.

To everybody and in every situation I am finally simply "Andy Curtis".

It's a situation that pleases me no end. I have achieved a level of conformity this way - by being the same thing to everyone. I found it hard being "Andrew Curtis" to some. It just didn't seem to fit. Better to be the thing I am and even everything out that way.

I know it isn't a big thing for most of you, but it is a big thing for me.

Slightly Over-Shaj'd

Often the hardest part is deciding what to order...

In NBTS, one of the most reliable ways of getting a good hot meal is to go to our only conventional restaurant - The Shaj. The excellent Bangladeshi cuisine offered here is coupled with friendly service and and ever-present "After-Eight" mint with the bill. Maybe they think it will sweeten the pill slightly. I really don't know. All I know is that it tastes nice, and fulfills my need to have "a sweet taste" in my mouth following a savoury meal.

But I digress - the real point of all of this is that it was Jason's Birthday meal tonight, and a goodly (although not necessarily Godly) number of us gathered to eat a lot of food in order to mark the event.

It's never possible to be completely sure that everyone had a good time, but I feel pretty convinced that most of us enjoyed ourselves in one way or another. If nothing else, the food was excellent. Unlike so many kitchens we observe receiving the thoughtful and tender ministrations of sliver-tongued Michelin starred chef Gordon Ramsey, this one was clearly able to produce the highest quality food in very reasonable time and to not only a full restaurant, but also a demanding take-away demand as well.

So, respect where it is due.

After this delightful experience, which left most of us full to bursting point, we were eagerly ushered back to Jason's house for generous dishes, brimful with steamed and suet puddings, all adorned with thick custard.

Maybe this is a trick the Shaj would do well to learn. After all, there's nothing the people of the north of England like more after their exotic main courses than traditional stodgy puddings covered in custard.

We need to remember that this all happened because it was Jason's birthday last Thursday - and we really do wish him well in the next year he lives - and well done for making it this far, it can't have been easy. I know that for him, birthdays are important, although I sense that age is becoming less so.

As we cheerfully collide with the mornings that rush up to greet us, it may be no bad thing to remember afresh that this is not a trial run - and each year is precious. Each day is precious. Each hour is significant. Birthdays always make me acutely aware that time will slip through our fingers unless we launch ourselves into life with a little more energy - especially when we least feel like it.

So, I guess that's my little challenge to you. At the very least, stop wishing time away. At best, grab hold of each and every drop of life as it attempts to slide by unnoticed. If, in the end, life turns out to be a game, I suspect this may be the way to win.

I have nothing to say really...

...but I thought it was important to make sure the last posting was no longer the one on top of the list.

I notice that BBC3 is running a series to see whether disabled women can do well as top fashion models.

Mmm...

I leave you to imagine my comments.

Let me in!

For the first time in my life, I cannot go home. Not because I am unwelcome there, but because there is a massive lorry blocking the lane.

This is one of the few downsides to living in our new house. The ice sculptor next door and the frozen food man generate a degree of traffic that the tiny lane and yard quickly struggles to contain. I bear them no malice whatsoever because they are just doing their business.

So I sit here gazing in the gloaming, wondering when I might be able to gain entry to our house.

It's a strange feeling, and one that's hard to convey.